Everyone has their own measure of prosperity. For some it’s a trip to Europe. Others might want a new sports car. For me, nothing says prosperity like your wife going out and buying a rock.
I figure when a person starts buying rocks, we can assume they have just about everything they ever wanted.

That’s why I was surprised when my wife bought her rock a few years ago. I knew she had a lot of stuff, but certainly not everything! I’m not suggesting I’m a good provider or anything like that; Connie has made more money than I do for a number of years.

That doesn’t bother me, though. I’ve always told people, “My wife makes more than I do per week and per month, but I still make more per hour.”

Buying boulders had me a little shaken, though. I’ve never really thought about buying a rock, except for gravel and stuff like that. Rocks are like bottled water, it seems to me: “But we already have water in 14 different faucets.”

“Then, it’s not in a bottle, now is it?”

It might be different if we lived in the city, where you can’t find a good rock when you need one. But we have rocks like a bulldog has ugly. We’ve got all the basic stones: boulders, mossbacks, rollers, pounders, skippers, flingers. We never seem to have the right kind, however.

My wife’s new rock was columnar basalt. It only cost $11. The rock cost $11, but the hole cost $60.

It seems this company sells you a rock. Then they charge you $40 per foot to drill a hole in it. I guess that’s what baffles me the most. Buying rocks is one thing, but buying holes? That’s about as extravagant as one can get.

Connie needs a rock with a hole for a water feature. The magazine story shows a rock in a pool of water with a pump underneath. The pump forces water out the top, where it trickles down over the side. (The whole thing looks like a drinking fountain to me.)

Then, we got a phone message from the rock company saying they had trouble drilling the hole. “The rock must have had a crack in it,” the woman said.

“When the guys tried to drill the hole, the rock broke. You will need to come in and pick out another one, or stop at our other location where we have some already drilled.”

The rock broke? I thought. Hot dog, the rock broke! Now maybe we’ll have some time to rethink this project.

I suggested we get some flat rocks (like we already have) and make a larger pool with a waterfall. I knew it was going to cost a lot more in the long run, but I’ll do almost anything to avoid buying a hole.

Readers with questions or comments for Roger Pond may write to him in care of this publication.