Hybrids are hot. I’m not talking about cars – instead of a Prius, I’m talking about a pizzly. I’m referring to zonkeys and zorses, not Saturns or Civics.

Remember beefalo? The cross between buffalo and cattle was supposed to make us all rich, but it fizzled faster than a wet firecracker. That hasn’t stopped mad scientists from continuing to play around in the gene pool.

If I remember my zoology studies correctly, a “species” was supposed to be special. Kind of like a country club where only its members could fool around with one other. But now I read about a new bunch of weird animals such as ligers, tigons, lepjags and wolf-dogs.

Social-climbing zebras are bedding down with Quarter Horses and donkeys and giving birth to zonkeys and zorses. Their babies are called zoals. Really.

It’s not just man arranging these loony liaisons. In the wild there have been recorded cases of blynxes (bobcat and lynx) and pizzlies (grizzly and polar bear). In Botswana there was even a sheep with low enough morals to bed down with a goat.

Believe it or not, a Russian scientist once tried to produce a “humanzee” by breeding two female chimpanzees with a man. Before you get the wrong idea, the man was not a sex-starved Congressman. Artificial insemination was used.
We’re told nothing happened – but when I watch or read the news, I can’t help but wonder.

By the way, that same scientist who tried to cross the chimps and humans also wanted to breed Russian women with an orangutan. Wow – what some countries won’t do just to win an Olympic gymnastics medal.

Unbelievably, supposedly there was a volunteer to make love with an orangutan, but we’re told tryst never took place. (I still expect the video to pop up on YouTube any day, now.)

Some people think it’s morally wrong for a goat to breed a sheep, but these are the same people who let their sons and daughters go out with tattooed and nose-ringed hip-hoppers. Personally, I think all this hybrid business has potential.

Just think of the implications for farm animals. Cowlligators would produce a higher quality of boot leather and an animal no wolf or lion would dare mess with. Ewecows would allow ranchers to diversify by producing both meat and fiber.

Tyson could reduce a lot of overhead if their chickens could breed with their cattle. The resulting chickles would have bigger drumsticks and a conversion factor any cattle feeder would love.
Alas – they’d probably still end up still tasting like chicken.
A cross between a bunny and a sheep would be a bunshee. It might be a dumb bunny, but it would reproduce faster than any Suffolk. A cheetorse (cheetah and horse) would surely win the Kentucky Derby. You might not be able to ride a horkey (miniature horse and miniature donkey), but if you got thrown it wouldn’t be too far to fall.

Just think, you could do a double-cross and breed a spotted owl to a turkey and then breed that cross with a ducken (duck and chicken). You’d end up with spotted turducken that environmentalists would want to save.

The possibilities are endless. If an anorexic pig bred a bulimic chicken, you could name the offspring Slim Pickens.
All this foolishness is not to suggest that such tampering with Mother Nature wouldn’t have catastrophic consequences. A cadog (cat and dog) might clean up after itself, but I’d imagine it would demand far better treatment than your average Kelpie. I’m pretty sure it would never condescend to riding in the back of the truck.
Of course, I am just playing with letters of the alphabet and not taking into account cross-species dating obstacles. Truly, the actual breeding process wouldn’t be anything you’d want to watch, as evidenced by a photo sent to me by my friend Chris – who, evidently has a border collie who has fallen madly in love with a Yorkshire sow.

Okay, so maybe it’s just an infatuation … but whatever it is, it sure ain’t pretty.

Readers with questions or comments for Lee Pitts may write to him in care of this publication.