Everyone from big banks, collapsing car companies, ill insurance firms and even Hustler magazine has asked for a government bailout. All but Hustler got the cash.

Hey, you have to draw the line somewhere, and our government draws the line at porn. After all, there’s only so much money available to steal from American taxpayers.

Did you know that there is an actual application that must be filled out to be eligible for a bailout? (Seriously.) Because I am a lowly self-employed person and not a giant multinational corporation, I can’t get any of the cash – but just in case you might be eligible, here’s what I assume the application for bailout money looks like.
1: How much money do you need to tide you over until you declare bankruptcy?

a) $200 billion (50 points)
b) $10 billion (25 points)
c) Would a break on our taxes be too much to ask for? (0 points)
2: What were your stock losses for the 2008 calendar year?
a) The stock of our company fell 60 percent (50 points)
b) Our stock fell only 30 percent (25 points)
c) Our stock losses included two heifers that died from calving (0 points)

3: To what do you attribute your massive losses of capital?
a) Stupid investments in the futures market, credit default swaps and loaning money to deadbeats who bought houses with no money down (50 points)

b) Producing too much of a bad product that no one wanted to buy (25 points)

c) Commodity markets tanking as a result of government sponsored gambling and lax oversight (0 points)
4: Should you be the recipient of a gold-plated government bailout, who would you choose as your overseer?
a) Barney Frank (50 points)
b) Blago (50 points)
c) Bernie Madoff (50 points)
d) Al Franken, the comedian (50 points)
e) An honest government official who can read, write, smell and see (if one can be found). (0 points)
5: Select which statement best describes the majority of your employees:
a) Low-wage workers in China, Bangladesh and India (50 points)
b) Illegal aliens (25 points)
c) It’s just you and your spouse (0 points)
6: If asked to testify in Congress how would you make your way to Washington?
a) Aboard one of our company’s luxury jets (25 points)
b) We’d leave our chauffeur behind and drive ourselves in a gas-saving vehicle not yet available for sale to the general public, with another car following in case of a breakdown (50 points)
c) We can’t come to D.C. because someone has to stay home and feed the cows (0 points)
7: How much was your CEO paid last year in performance bonuses for driving your company into bankruptcy (not counting stock options)?
a) $100 million (50 points)
b) $10 million (25 points)
c) He/she would have qualified for food stamps (0 points)
8: What was your lobbying budget for 2008?
a) $10 million (50 points)
b) $1 million (25 points, but only if you promise to bump that up next year)
c) We wrote a nasty letter to the USDA (0 points)
9: What do you intend to do with the bailout money?
a) None of your darn business (50 points)
b) Hand out bonuses to big wigs at a lavish corporate retreat in the Bahamas (50 points)
c) Build more factories in China (25 points)
d) Buy gold and silver coins, dried food, ammunition and whiskey (0 points)
10: During the 2008 election, what was your contribution?
a) $25,000 to Democrats (25 points)
b) $25,000 to Republicans (25 points)
c) $50,00 each to Republicans and Democrats (50 points)
d) I voted and paid taxes (0 points)
Tally your score.
If you scored more than 1 point, you will receive a government bailout. If you scored zero points, you’ll be paying for those bailouts.

Readers with questions or comments for Lee Pitts may write to him in care of this publication.