One of my favorite self-help programs in the beef business is the Beef Ambassador program, which trains the next generation of cattlewomen and cattlemen to speak up on behalf of beef.

Our best and brightest young people compete each year for the chance to become one of five members of a Beef Ambassador team to travel the country on behalf of all cattlemen. The competition features mock media interviews, classroom presentations, responses to issues and consumer promotion.

I wonder if our enemies have any such program to brainwash future vegetarians and animal rightists … and if so, how do they train their spokesidiots? Surely they would place their emphasis on other things than public speaking and rational writing.
Here is how I imagine the scorecard for young PETA Ambassador contestants would look (100 points possible):

Balloon Toss Accuracy – Because one of the main functions of PETA members is throwing paint-filled balloons at anyone wearing fur, it’s important they be able to hit their targets. You wouldn’t want them hitting a reporter for USA Today or one of their own woolly-haired members. They should also be able to tell what is real and what is fake fur, or whether the target just needs a haircut and a shave. (5 points)

Animal Identification – This phase of the competition would involve the identification of a pig, cow, circus elephant, seeing-eye dog, lab rat and Sean Penn, because you really need to know on whose behalf you are protesting. (5 points)

Gag Reflex Test – If you are going to be a sincere PETA member, you must be a vegetarian and if you are going to be a vegetarian it means you are going to have to survive on squash muffins, tofu pasta and soy milk. In the gag reflex test, contestants will be fed a variety of vegetarian dishes to see if they have a strong enough stomach for the job. (5 points)

Background Check – This is to determine if you or any of your relatives have ever had a life threatening disease and, if so, did any drugs or medical procedures that were tested on lab animals save your relative’s life? If so, turn in your PETA badge. (5 points)
Lie Detector Test – Contestants will be asked questions to determine if they have led a “cruelty-free lifestyle,” such as, “Have you ever eaten a cheeseburger?” “Have you ever worn a pair of shoes?” (5 points)

Pet Care – In light of recent charges leveled at PETA by the Center for Consumer Freedom, this test has recently been added. The Center alleges that PETA killed 95 percent of the adoptable pets in their care during 2008. It says that public records from the Virginia Department of Agriculture and Consumer Services show that PETA killed 2,124 pets last year, while placing 7 in adoptive homes.
Since 1998 it alleges that 21,339 dogs and cats have died at the hands of PETA workers. In light of this report, PETA is going to want to know if their spokesidiots know how to do simple lifesaving tasks such as opening a can of cat food or pouring water in a dog’s bowl. (1 point)

Accounting Skills – Let’s face it folks: When it comes to PETA, it’s all about the money, and they are going to want to know if you can count the cash. (40 points)

The Nudity Test – Really, about the only thing PETA members do well is take off their clothes for the protest pictures, so they are going to want to see what you look like in your birthday suit (their philosophy is that people won’t be interested in facts if they are busy looking at nude bodies).

If you look like ancient PETA members Angelica Huston and Cloris Leachman, don’t worry; PETA will cover you up with lettuce and cabbage leaves. But you WILL NOT become a PETA Ambassador. (40 points)

Editor’s Note: You may note that the total score does not add up to 100 points. (Hey, we never said these were the smartest centerfolds in the book.)

Readers with questions or comments for Lee Pitts may write to him in care of this publication.