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Housebreaking your husband
It’s the Pitts
By Lee Pitts

My wife is often asked how she was able to housebreak me so effectively. So ladies, this week I’m giving my wife this space to answer some of your questions.

Q: How long will it take to housebreak and domesticate my husband?

A: My husband was a quick learner. It only took two weeks before he was sleeping on the porch and making his messes outside.

Q: What should I do when my husband has an “accident”?

A: It’s a well-known fact that husbands don’t think the way that humans do. Behavior should be divided into two parts: the mess and the act that created the mess. If you reprimand your husband AFTER he has used the dishwasher to clean greasy engine parts he will think you are punishing him for doing any work whatsoever and will never do any labor ever again. He must be caught in the act of soaking transmission parts in the bathtub and then reprimanded immediately.

Q: Should I let him have the run of the house?

A: Are you crazy? He’ll soon be using the sauna to smoke meats, the kitchen table for sharpening his chain saw and the bedroom for assorted taxidermy, leather and automotive projects. To prevent damage to your home, husbands should be confined to a small area such as a back porch. This does not mean you shouldn’t familiarize him with the various rooms of the house and the proper activities to be conducted there. My husband soon learned that the kitchen was for washing dishes, the bathroom was for scrubbing and the laundry room was for him to clean his apron.

Q: Should I allow my husband to sleep in my bed?

A: I repeat, are you nuts? Husbands shed, hog the blankets and make disgusting sounds. If you need warmth in your bed buy an electric blanket. For security get an alarm system. If you need someone to talk to call a radio talk show. If you want to cuddle buy a body pillow; they have the same IQ as most husbands and don’t talk back.

Q: Should I feed him canned or bagged food?

A: I have found that canned food tends to make my husband gaseous.

Q: Whenever we are in a crowd my husband jumps on other people and puts his paws on them. Especially females? What should I do?

A: Keep him on a tight leash. If that doesn’t work spray him with a garden hose.

Q: Should I use a shock collar to train my husband?

A: That shouldn’t be necessary. Corrections should be verbal. A firm yet guttural NO! will usually suffice. Never hit your husband or rub his nose in his messes. When he does something right, which will be rare, praise him by saying, “Good boy.”

Q: Is it okay to leave my husband home alone?

A: Never leave a husband alone or you’ll come home to a house filled with farm animals and powerful woodworking tools. Left to themselves husbands tend to become neurotic, destructive and unhappy. Even if your husband is housebroke you should never leave him without the BIG THREE: food, liquid refreshment and toys. Toys are necessary because husbands need something to occupy their minds... as small as they may be.

Q: How often should I let my husband out of the house?

A: You should let your husband out of the house to run with the boys one night a week. Preferably it’s the same night you do.

Q: But shouldn’t I let him out of the house when he wants to do his business?

A: Only if he brings home a BIG paycheck.

Q: What if he doesn’t come home?

A: Consider yourself lucky and get yourself another husband. Preferably one that is already housebroke.

This farm news was published in the April 19, 2006 issue of Farm World.