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Marriage works best when it’s between 2 best friends

Answer true or false to the following:
I can name my partner’s best friends.
I know what stress that my partner currently faces.
I know the names of those who have been irritating my partner lately.
I know some of my partner’s life dreams.
I am very familiar with my partner’s religious beliefs.
I can outline my partner’s basic philosophy of life.
I can list the relatives my partner likes the least.
I know my partner’s favorite music.
I can list my partner’s major aspirations.
I know what my partner would do if he/she won the lottery.
I can relate in detail my first impressions of my partner.
I ask my partner about his/her world periodically.
I feel my partner knows me fairly well.

Scoring: If you answered true to more than half, consider your partner’s friendship to be an area of strength in your marriage. These questions were adapted from John Gottman’s Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

Gottman said successful couples have a “mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company.” They are emotionally supportive and find their partner to be an emotional friend, a helpmate and a soul mate. Couples “know each other intimately if they are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness,” in big and little ways, day in and day out.

Negative thoughts about each other don’t outweigh the positive ones. When a couple disagrees, they make frequent attempts to repair the damage. Their friendship helps ensure that attempts at reconciliation are accepted.

What happened? The courtship began with attraction, intimate communication, fun, friendship and delight in each other’s company. With increased knowledge, a young couple came to appreciate, admire and respect their partner’s unique talents, gifts, values, courage and specialness. Then they got married.
But instead of a lifelong friendship, many marriages end up “sleeping with the enemy.” The years come and go – and so does the friendship.

Where does friendship go? How does it get lost as couples live side by side and share the same struggles in life? How is it they stop sharing and learning about each other? How does admiration and respect turn into contempt and intolerance?

There is the obvious. Not enough talking or listening. Not enough time together. Not enough fun. Not enough goals in common. Not enough effort is put into bringing two worlds together. But that leads to emotional distance, not to hostility and painful conflict.
There is the less obvious. The couple’s inability to resolve conflict in a respectful manner has a corrosive effect on the friendship. In their anxiety to win an argument and create the change he or she wants, they don’t listen to each other. They react with anger, contempt, defensiveness and refuse to meet their partner’s requests. Often they are unwilling to discuss the issue. They justify their anger.

They don’t put the brakes on their negative comments. They are intolerant of differences and see their spouse’s motives as deliberate and provocative. Neither partner feels understood or cared for. Friendship in marriage is killed off bit by bit through repetitive, futile habits of fighting. Gradually the negative interactions cause the partners to see each other as sources of frustration and pain rather than pleasure and support.
Men and women used to come from common backgrounds and had clear ideas and expectations of each other in the marriage. Expectations have changed.

Traditional cultures and religious faith put a premium on family harmony. Overt expression of anger was discouraged – especially when the kids were underfoot, which they nearly always were. Modern couples expect more emotional rewards from marriage. Couples express themselves more. There are more opportunities for conflict, more opportunities to negotiate differences.

A survey has shown that men and women share the following perceptions of who withdraws during arguments: men withdraw during arguments 42 percent of the time, women withdraw in the 25-27 percent range and both withdraw in the 15-17 percent range. In only 15 percent of the cases does neither one withdraw. These are the couples who report having the best relationships.

What do they do? They keep their tempers under control. If they can’t, they call timeout and agree to meet later. They take pains not to escalate a fight. If they see that hurtful comments have harmed their relationship, they are quick to try to repair the damage with positive comments. Most of all, despite their own discomfort and emotional arousal, they show empathy and understanding for their partner’s point of view and allow themselves to be influenced by it.

Listening to each other’s complaints and frustrations deepens their understanding and their friendship. Each knows their partner better and respects their differences as normal and natural. Being right and being married don’t go together. Through respectful conversational etiquette, they avoid rip-roaring, name-calling, blowout fights that destroy friendship, trust and respect.

By learning how to handle conflict better, couples can get back to the basics of friendship and getting to know one another and meet each other’s needs with kindness, instead of being locked into an endless cycle of bitter infighting and recrimination. Their conversational style reflects the equality of their partnership.
Want your friendship back? Learn marital manners. You can learn communication skills that will help you be a respectful listener, speaker or negotiator in the face of your normal differences.

Dr. Val Farmer is a clinical psychologist specializing in family business consultation and mediation with farm families. He lives in Wildwood, Mo., and may be contacted through his website at www.valfarmer.com

3/31/2010