I’m worried about losing my occupation and I have no pension or skills that anyone is willing to pay for. I’m also 73 years old so my options are either bagging groceries or being a greeter at WalMart. But I’m not a people person who can put on a smile and be pleasant for eight hours. I’m too old to join the Army and although I can stand around with six other guys and watch one guy dig a hole, the county is not hiring.

Because I’ve been a rancher I guess you could say I’ve been in the food industry the last 50 years, so I’ve been checking for jobs in that industry and found that McDonald’s is swapping out their people with robots and the grocery store is replacing their checkers and baggers with self-help machines. So, although I’ve never had to write a resume in my life because I’ve been self-employed for the last 50 years, I decided that my writing time could best be spent polishing up a resume/job application just in case the bottom falls out of the market for syndicated columnists. So here goes...

Name: Lee Pitts

Sex: Not that I can remember.

Marital Status: I have a black belt in marital arts.

Objective: I want an easy job where I can make the most money with the least amount of work. And I want a big pension like my neighbor, the postman, who retired at 55 with a full benefit package and a good monthly income.

Desired salary: If the fire chief of Los Angeles was getting half a million a year, I deserve at least that much. I can stand around and watch homes burn just as well as she did.

Preferred position: I think I should either be the president of your company or be in charge of procurement because I like buying stuff. I’ve never worked in an office environment and don’t play well with others, so I haven’t developed any bad habits. My wife would probably like it if I was gone at least four days a week and my paycheck was automatically deposited into her account.

Education: I got a BS degree in animal science in three years at a school you’ve never heard of and another year studying in Australia where I learned a third language. Now I speak English, Australian and a few words in Spanish, although judging by the response, I think they’re dirty words.

Work experience: I’ve picked lemons and avocados and been a roustabout in the oilfields. I’ve also been a cowboy, rancher, writer, ad pimp and a ring man at auctions. I was a professor at a junior college for one year and dusted furniture in my grandpa’s furniture store.

Special skills: Thyping and I’m a very good speller too. I’m also very good at shoveling ••••. I can sheer sheep and I know how to castrate a ram lamb using my teeth. I’m skilled in the leather arts, can engrave silver, I was first chair alto saxophone in my high school marching band, I know how to do some great card tricks, can juggle and I make a great peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Communication skills: You won’t have to worry about me standing around smoking while staring at my phone because I don’t smoke and don’t own a cell phone. I also hate talking on the phone so I don’t think my skills would be best put to use in a call center in India to irritate people every day for eight hours. Besides, I don’t think my wife wants to relocate to a third world outpost.

Notable achievements: I was self-employed employee of the year for 40 years and I’m an organ donor.

Reason for leaving last job: I got in a fist fight with a fellow employee. I lost my job but the fight ended in a draw.

References: Fortunately, all the people I worked for are now dead. But I give you my permission to talk to them about me.

Availability: Like Billy the Kid, there is only one known photo of me and I’m not available to be interviewed on a Zoom call, whatever that is. I am willing to pee in a jar for a drug test.

I certify that almost all the above is mostly true.