When I was 12 my father transitioned from being a long-haul truck driver to being a heavy equipment operator because driving his semi on long trips was interfering with his drinking. His offspring took this news hard because we all looked forward to his absence.

Despite his uncountable flaws there was one thing my old man was good at: he could drive anything with a steering wheel or levers. He started by operating a backhoe, then a bulldozer and finally a truck crane. As part of his training he was given a pamphlet with the signs he needed to learn to operate a crane such as boom up, spool out, etc. I thought it would be neat to memorize these signs, although I never got a chance to use them as a writer or a rancher.

Far more important to me would have been a pamphlet that showed the hand signals your wife uses to help hubby back a trailer. So, I’ve put together a list that all husbands should memorize to keep harmony in the home. Men, from personal experience, I’d say you should hang this list on a wall in your tack room or shop and refer back to it before you embark on any trailering experience with your significant other.

#1 - Shaking Her Fist at You - This implies that you just ran over your wife’s gardening bucket, broke the handle on her small shovel and flattened the bucket.

#2 - The OK Sign - You probably think this means you have backed the trailer into its ideal location but then you would be wrong... again. Your wife is trying to tell you from afar that zero is the number of animals you will able to load or unload in your trailer’s present location.

#3 - Jumping Jacks - When your wife is waving her arms over her head while jumping up and down it doesn’t mean she’s exercising. It means “Whoa Nellie” because you just backed into your antique loading chute that was only being held together because the termites were holding hands.

#4 - When She Covers Her Face and Tries To Hide Her Identity - This signal is usually used when you’re trying to unload or load cattle at the auction yard and it’s necessary for you to back your trailer into an alley. After about your fifteenth try your wife is so embarrassed that she is trying to hide her identity and wants to go into the witness protection program.

#5 - The You’re Out Sign in Baseball - You’ve high-centered the trailer and in the process you tore out all the wiring that ran under the trailer thereby requiring 12 hours to fix the trailer lights and still the turn signals will come out backward.

#6 - Your Wife Is Raising Her Fist Above Her Head And Shaking It At You - No, she’s definitely not giving the “Black Power” sign like those American athletes did years ago at the Olympics. I have first-hand experience with this signal and it indicates that you just put a huge dent in her beloved 25-year-old truck that she drives to work every day and everyone compliments her for having such a beautifully restored pickup. Not any more they won’t.

#7 - When She Keeps Tapping Her Wristwatch And Steam Appears to Be Coming Out Of The Top of Her Head - No, she’s not attempting to communicate with you with smoke signals. She’s really mad and is asking, “Where did you learn to back a trailer ya big dummy and is there any chance you might get the trailer in its appropriate spot before nightfall?”

#8 - Your Wife Appears To Be Stirring a Bowl of Cake Batter - I borrowed this signal from the crane operator’s pamphlet only I’m assigning it a different meaning. What she’s saying is, “You’d make a better short order cook than a truck driver.”

#9 - Slashing Her Throat - This usually happens at a bull sale when you’re trying to load out with all your friends watching and people are waiting in line behind you to load out. It means, “Let’s put a merciful end to this nonsense and let me drive so we can both avoid further humiliation.”

WARNING: The signs your wife uses may vary and it behooves you to learn the many variations.

Happy trailering everyone!