Being in the possession of large sums of money makes some people stupid.

I was wasting away the hours in the Doctor’s office waiting for the Doc to return from his late lunch so he could see me for my 10:30 a.m. appointment when I started glancing through the reading material. For the most part it was the usual collection of debris made up of two-year-old copies of the AARP magazine, the Journal of Gastroenterology and the Ladies Home Journal. But buried in the pile were three little gems that led me to believe that some folks should not be given a regular allowance.

The first item was found in that day’s newspaper which contained a story about a lady who had the nerve to charge residents of Beverly Hills $250 an hour to help them clean out their closets. Evidently her business is thriving with some clients having a hard time deciding which of 250 pair of jeans or 700 pair of shoes to throw out. And get this: much of the stuff that is bagged to be discarded was never even worn.

Next I picked up last year’s Forbes Magazine’s annual listing of America’s 400 richest people and in the magazine was a short article on how much it costs these days to lead the good life. Forbes reported that a pair of shotguns could be bought for only $167,500 and a dozen hand tailored shirts only cost $3,480.

Evidently the rich don’t buy their clothes at the same stores I do. I needed CPR after glancing through the Doctor’s personal copy of The Robb Report, a magazine I’d never seen before. Between the covers were toys for the rich including men’s watches ranging in price from a $30,000 Gandolo to a $127,700 Blancpain Equation Marchante. Rich women’s watches cost even more. Something called a Gyrotoubillon was $310,000 and a DeLaneau was $400,000. Here’s the funny thing... when I looked at the pictures of these expensive timepieces I could not tell what time it was because the faces showed the inner workings instead of the time. If you’re rich and want to know what time it is you have to ask someone with a Timex.

There was also a Bugati watch for $234,000. I thought Bugati made cars and for that price you should get a Bugati automobile thrown in. Speaking of cars, the Robb Report was full of ads for Ferraris, Aston Martins and Bentleys. A Lamborghini Roadster was priced at $320,000 and something called a Brabus Maybach was only $800,000. I don’t know if that price included the $15,000 spinner rims or not. I swear, before I’d pay $800,000 for a car I’d ride a bicycle and luckily there was one in the magazine for only $50,000.

For a bicycle! I could even write a check for the pricey wheels using a $150,000 Boheme Foun-tain Pen. I kid you not.

To look good in a million dollar car you must have an equally stylish wardrobe and the Robb Report was filled with ads for $80 socks and $3,300 sweaters. People who know me will vouch for my credibility when I say that I haven’t spent that much for clothes during my entire life. Where would I wear a pair of $9,000 crocodile shoes?

Certainly not in a cow pen or a swamp.

You aren’t going to believe this but a Panama Hat by Master Weavers was only $25,000. I won’t buy one because it goes against my rule of never spending more for a straw hat than I did my first house. I also won’t be buying the $40,000 saddle, which is more than the combined worth of every horse I’ve ever owned.

I was daydreaming about spending $5,434 for one night at the Four Seasons in Budapest and cruising the Caribbean for a week on a yacht for only $840,000 when I was finally allowed to catch a fleeting glimpse of the Doctor. I had waited an eternity and he charged me $80 for a grand total of six minutes of actual face time. I know how long it was because the Doc asked me what time it was. Sure enough... he was wearing one of those fancy watches.

This farm news was published in the May 31, 2006 issue of Farm World, serving Indiana, Ohio, Illinois, Kentucky, Michigan and Tennessee.