I’ve been to two weddings lately and neither was inside a church. One was on the beach at sunrise, where the barefoot couple was joined in matrimony by a ponytailed preacher named  “Big Wave Dave.”

The other “non-traditional” wedding was in an airport hanger. After the vows, the betrothed skydived to earth together – which seems appropriate, don’t you think?

These days a groom can take their bride for a ride while river rafting, dog sledding and downhill skiing. A growing number of young people are even tying the knot in romantic ranch settings. The advantages of a ranch wedding are obvious: you can register for gifts at the feed store, the only Limousin involved is a breed of cattle and Dear Abby is totally unprepared to tell you how to stage the event.

I, however am not.
Q: What should the bride and groom wear for a ranch wedding?
A: Lots of boots and buckles. No soft shoes, sidearms or handcuffs. The bride should wear a white Stetson, or a black one if it isn’t her first trip down the bridal path.
Q: What music should be played?
A: “Your Cheating Heart.”
Q: What flowers are appropriate for a ranch wedding?
A: No alfalfa sprout garlands in the hair or anything else that might attract hungry cows. You don’t want your wedding stampeded by beasts who think it’s feeding time.
Q: Speaking of beasts,  are  guests still seated on the bride’s or groom’s “sides?”
A: No. The groom probably has no friends, and it might get confusing if the two lovebirds are related.
Q: Invitations are so expensive; how can they be deleted?
A: Just spread the word that you are having a roping after the wedding and everyone will show up, including several lonely cowboys who just want to kiss the bride.
Q: Our only concern with having a wedding outdoors is that it might rain.
A: Let’s hope so. Spouses are like buses: A new one comes along every 10 minutes – but a good rain is rare.
Q: Is there anything wrong with having the wedding guests sit on bales of hay?
A: With the high price of hay, the guests may take home your hay in their pockets.
Q: How much should we expect to pay for a ranch wedding?
A: What’s this “we” business? All expenses should be paid by the father of the bride. The only thing the groom has to do is show up with his  hair combed.
Q: Our preacher refuses to marry us in a corral. Any suggestions?
A: Hire the veterinarian to be master of ceremonies. No doubt he’ll show up late, but get him to look at the lump-jawed cow while he’s there.
Q: It is proper to throw rice at a ranch wedding?
A: Rice is not considered environmentally correct any more. Alfalfa cubes would be better ... that way, the cows will take care of the cleanup.
Q: Is it absolutely necessary to serve alcohol at a ranch wedding?
A: Are you serious? When the groom says he’s “going to tie one on,” he’s not referring to a necktie or an apron.
Q: My future husband is flat broke. Do we need a prenuptial agreement?
A: No, you need your head examined. What do you see in this guy, anyway?
Q: Do you have any other quick tips about having a wedding back at the ranch?
A: Yes ... watch your step.

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