Green means all is calm, just like right before the storm.
Blue means be aware of potential slip-ups, but it seems okay.
Yellow means there’s an elevated likelihood that you screwed something up.
Orange means be on high alert for verbal traps and questions about weight.
Red means Look out! Everything is wrong and it’s all your fault.
Any ideas on where these color indicators originated? A hilariously funny website called www.everythingidoiswrong.org that is hosted by none other than the milk-promoting lightning-rod California Dairy Board.

In its efforts to inform consumers about the healthful benefits of dairy products, it has launched a new promotion surrounding the claim that consuming milk will help curb Premenstrual Syndrome (PMS) symptoms.
Research proves that a majority of women who consume 1,200 mg of calcium a day for three months reported being less irritable, less weepy and depressed and suffering from few backaches, less cramping and less bloating. With 300 mgs of calcium per glass of milk, they claim it’s now the perfect PMS comfort food.

I see this as a win-win-win situation. It’s a win for the dairy industry knowing that farmers are producing a product that will not only help with the well-being of their wives, but of all their buddies across the country who are married to women who suffer from PMS.

It’s also a win for the farmer, knowing that if they can get their wives to consume more milk, their lives will be easier and more productive. They will waste less time arguing over why he is breeding that cow to that bull, why he always looks at her cross-eyed when she walks in the barn in the morning and why he always stacks up his old newspapers and magazines in the worst possible place, citing that he does it just to make her life miserable.
It’s also a win for every woman across the country who would love to stop and get ice cream every time she drives by the local ice cream parlor but knows if she does, her behind will only get more generous. And then, when she asks her husband if she looks fat in her jeans, he will just smirk when all she really wants is an honest answer.

The California Milk Board is getting flak from those who find no humor in their Global PSM Level indicator – which tells you how much PMS is in the world.
The Mistake Verification System aids in finding out what you think you did wrong, the Emergency Milk Locator that helps men find the closest store with milk, the video apology enhancer helps men make a meaningful video apology and the sensitivity “vocabulator” helps men choose their words more carefully, avoiding those hot-button terms such as “irrational,” “overreacting” and “chubby.”

The research is real and worth a try. The efforts of the California Dairy Board are commendable. The new marketing scheme has made me laugh out loud – today. But in two weeks, my opinion is likely to change.

 The views and opinions expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of Farm World. Readers with questions or comments for Melissa Hart may write to her in care of this publication.