The Indiana State Fair will begin in just a few days. The Ohio State Fair is nearing its end, and the Illinois and Kentucky State Fairs are starting soon. No matter which fair you attend, you will likely have fun, learn things, and generally have a good time.

But, there are some in our society who do not want you to have a good time. In fact these negative naysayers have come up with all kinds of reasons you should not have fun at your State Fair.

Catey Hill recently published an article in the Wall Street Journal that claimed State Fairs were a financial rip-off, unsafe, unhealthy and socially undesirable.
Ms. Hill is the Money Editor for the New York Daily News and the author of several books on money and investing. She is also not the kind of person I would want to hang out with at the State Fair. She is offended that State Fairs are subsidized by taxpayer dollars.

Considering the many stupid things state government spends our taxes on, subsidizing a fair that showcases our state’s culture, agriculture, heritage and provides an educational experience for young people through 4-H, sounds like a good deal to me. Ms. Hill also criticizes fairs for their safety, cleanliness, food, working conditions, and - of course - treatment of animals.

So, for all of you prissy, self-righteous whiners who, like Ms Hill, are so afraid of what might go wrong that you cannot have fun, let me offer you a special guide on how not to have fun when you visit the State Fair.

I feel I am eminently qualified to write this guide since I have covered state fairs for more than two decades. I have spent countless hours working at and even just visiting the fair. I have been behind the scenes and seen the dark underbelly of a fair. So, while I prefer to have a fun at the fair, here are my suggestions if you are determined not to have a good time at the fair.
First, cover yourself from head to toe. Most fairs are in the summer when it is hot and the sun is at its blazing best.

While most fair visitors wear far too few clothes and expose parts of their anatomy they should not, covering yourself will protect you from skin cancer and make you hot and uncomfortable.

This will help put you in the perfect mood to not enjoy the fair. Be sure to wear heavy, clunky shoes. While they will make your feet hurt during all the walking you will be doing, they will protect you against stepping in anything organic that might be left by a passing cow.

You should begin your visit at about 1 p.m. This is not only the hottest part of the day, but when you arrive, most people will have just finished lunch. The trash barrels will be overflowing with half-eaten fair food, and the flies and bees will be out in force. This will help you lose your appetite and make it easier to resist the mouth-watering temptations that assail you at every step.
Avoiding fair food will be difficult; but, according to Bill Marler, the founder of the Marler Clark law firm which represents many E. coli cases, it is a must.
“Undercooked foods and germs are a risk,” Marler said. “The sellers are trying to produce a lot of food in a short amount of time, so safety isn’t always practiced. And, because you’re in a crowd of people, some of whom might be ill, experts say there’s a risk of contracting airborne illnesses like colds and flu.”
Well, so does standing in line at McDonalds. In fact, the reported cases of people getting sick at fairs is very low. Most fair have strict regulations when it comes to food being served and regular inspections are commonplace. But avoiding the special fun foods that are served at State Fairs is certainly one way not to enjoy the fair.

Another must if you are not going to enjoy the fair is to not walk into the livestock barns. First, you might step in something. Second, you will smell something offensive. Third, you might actually come into physical contact with an animal which will expose you to all kinds of possible contamination.
You should also avoid attending 4-H livestock competitions. While you will be seated safely behind a fence, you might see something disturbing. You may observe 4-H young people brushing, bathing and generally caring for their animals. This will run counter to your preconceived ideas that animals at the fair are mistreated and exploited. If you are not careful, this experience could force you to reconsider your ideas about animal agriculture.

On the topic of 4-H, if you are bringing you children to the fair, be sure not to take them into the 4-H building. If they see the posters and projects, they may realize that 4-H is not just for farm kids and that there are many exciting and interesting projects in which they could get involved. If this happens, you will likely become a 4-H parent and find yourself attending the county fair as well as the State Fair.

You may have noticed that thus far all my advice has been on what not to do at the fair. So, what should you do? Well, there are the carnival rides and midway; but, as Ms. Hill stated in her article, the games are rigged and the rides are dangerous. So, if you really want to not have a good time at the State Fair, I guess the best thing for you to do is to stay home.
As for me, I plan to attend my State Fair. I plan to walk the barns, visit the exhibits, and eat a wide variety of fair food. I fully expect to come out of my fair experience healthy and happy. If you are determined not to have a good time at the fair, then stay home and don’t spoil it for the rest of us. But if you are like the millions of other Americans who will attend their state fairs this year, then have a blast.

The views and opinions expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of Farm World. Readers with questions or comments for Gary Truitt may write to him in care of this publication.