Tico writes a column for the Citizen’s Gazette of Burnett, Texas, which is amazing because judging by his picture in the paper, Tico is … a dog. Tico says there are 100,000 cases of pet poisoning per year and these aren’t homicides; the pets are offing themselves by eating dangerous foods. Tico found a list on the Internet from a website called Embrace that listed the top 20 foods dogs like Tico shouldn’t eat. They include such things as sugar, macadamia nuts, coffee and corncobs.

Of all my dogs I’ve ever owned, not one had a Starbucks habit or had any use for corncobs. I only had one dog killed by food and that’s the one that got creamed by a bull while he was gnawing on an old cow chip. But that’s hardly a poisoning.

I did know a Lab that was owned by the looniest lady on Earth, that overdosed on a bag of chocolate éclairs once, but it was an attempted suicide. If I had to live with that crazy woman I’d have killed myself too. I am a firm believer that animals know what’s best for them. The only species that doesn’t apply to is the dog. They are picky eaters – anything they can pick up, they will eat. They’ll eat anything, with great gusto and enthusiasm.

Now that we aren’t killing horses anymore for dog food, the dogs have had to find alternative foodstuffs; lizards, spiders, rats, mice, bobcats and mountain lions. Although, eating cats is very dangerous. My grandma’s Chihuahua named Chiquita tried to eat one of her beloved cats – and let me tell you, Grandma squashed Chiquita like a banana.

I don’t want to make light of a serious subject, so as a public service I’d like to name the rest of the foods dogs shouldn’t eat. First on the list is chocolate. I feel bad about this because we used to feed Tootsie Rolls to a beagle as a kid, and it was actually pretty hilarious. But it didn’t die from eating chocolate. It was a Buick; a 1964 model, I believe.

The No. 2 food poison is raisins, and they can cause kidney failure in dogs, although I’m sure they wouldn’t kill the wolves who’ve been eating your lambs and calves. (Wink, wink.)

Mushrooms are next on the list, which explains the times you called your dog and it didn’t come. He or she was probably having a psychedelic experience and didn’t want to interrupt it. For some dogs that’s the only trip they’ll ever get to take.

A sweetener called xylitol is fourth on the list, followed by chewing gum, vitamins and – get this – bones. I don’t agree with the last item because when my wife worked at the grocery store she would frequently bring home big bones for our dog Aussie, and her coat never looked shinier. Although I should warn owners of little dogs: If your dog does choke on a ham hock you may have to perform the “ham-lick maneuver.”

I’ve already mentioned macadamias, sugar, bread, coffee and corncobs, but we can also add cookie dough and cake – especially birthday cake for any dog past its 20th birthday. A 20-year-old dog is living on borrowed time and isn’t going to last much longer anyway, cake or no cake.

I believe the person who came up with this list was a vegetarian because No. 17 is meat and No. 18 is rawhide. Are you kidding me? Perhaps they were referring to the lesser meats such as sushi, cod, halibut and salmon (No. 19 on the list). They did say lean meat is okay if it is properly cooked.

Heck, I can’t even get that in my house, so what chance does a dog have?

Dogs are drinking out of the toilet and eating fresh cow pies, and the veg-heads are worried about a little gristle. What do they think dogs ate before humans started feeding them pureed peas?

Last on the list is avocados. Our dogs Misty and Cindy wouldn’t come within 100 yards of an avocado tree because the overripe ones would splat on the ground, and no dog wants it to say on its obituary that it was killed by an avocado.

I think that comes to 19 dangerous foods. I bet you’re wondering, what did I leave off? It was No. 9, chicken. We had a dog once that ate the neighbor’s hens, and the chicken didn’t kill it. The neighbor did.

Take it from my dead dog – eating too much chicken can be deadly.

Eat beef.

The views and opinions expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of Farm World. Readers may log on to www.LeePittsbooks.com to order any of Lee Pitts’ books. Those with questions or comments for Lee may write to him in care of this publication.