It's the Pitts by Lee Pitts 

 

By far, the most educational experience I had in high school and college was to be a member of the livestock judging team. For those of you who may not be familiar with the activity, back in the 1960s and ’70s we judged three species of livestock (cattle, hogs, and sheep) and in college we also judged horses.

A class consisted of four animals, which you had to place in the proper order of merit and justify your placings in 3-4 classes with a set of reasons you presented to a judge. As there was a time limit, this taught a person to think quickly and to speak in a convincing manner.

There’s not been a day in my life I haven’t used my livestock judging skills. I realized this recently when our absentee ballots arrived and I made a shocking discovery: Judging pigs is just like judging politicians. With apologies to the pigs, to illustrate, here’s a sample set of reasons:

Sir or madam (as the case may be), I place this class of pitiful politicians 4-2-3-1 with an easy top, a close middle pair and a raving lunatic at the bottom.

In placing 4 over 2 I went with a fast-talking hog, not because she was any good but because she was the least objectionable. I wouldn’t let any of these nitwits inside my house for fear of them stealing the family silver.

I placed 4 on top because she’s never slurped at the taxpayer trough before. Although, I was put off by her comment, “I never stole anything, I just want a chance.” Her lack of experience was the reason I went with a dark horse.

I criticized 2 and placed him second because he’s a double-chinned gasbag who is longer in the tooth and has a bigger mouth and smaller ears. I went with 2 over 3 in a tight middle pair because 2 is a bigger blowhard than 3, fleshier in the jowls and thicker in the rump. In fact, he’s been a big pain in the patoot for years and I wish he’d get an honest job so we wouldn’t have to support him any longer in the style to which he’s become accustomed.

I held my nose and went with the rotten Republican over the dimwitted and devious Democrat because he’s got more experience being a crook and at least we won’t have to train him.

I criticized 3 and placed him third because he’s an idiot who shoots from the lip. He says we should vote for him and good government, but I only have one vote. I also didn’t like that 3 was a greenie who whines all the time and still believes in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and global warming. He wants to legalize drugs, ban guns and make eating beef a crime. Clearly he’s been educated far beyond his intelligence.

While I found 3 to have no redeeming social graces, it was an easy placing in putting him over my bottom animal because even though 3 is a liberal crook who sells his vote to the highest bidder, and has ties to PETA and the vegetarian movement, at least we know what we’re getting.

He graduated magnum-cum-loaded and if it wasn’t for all the olives and celery in his martinis and Bloody Marys, he’d starve to death.

I rolled 1 to the bottom of the class because he’s a shifty, one-eyed lazy cur who changes sides faster than a windshield wiper. This jackass has been totally emasculated by decades of straddling the fence and a lifetime of “service.”

And when I say service, I’m thinking more along the line of what a bull does to a cow.

This mugwump has all the personality of a baseball bat, combs his hair with a sponge, is so crooked he has to screw his socks on and is so corrupt he deserves four more years ... in prison. He doesn’t steal votes, although he has been known to buy quite a few.

He’s been a politician and woman-chaser his entire life and says he’s for the working man, although he’s never actually been one. It’s for these reasons I place this class 4-2-3-1. It’s also why I won’t be voting for any of them. (Any similarities to actual candidates is purely accidental.)

The views and opinions expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of Farm World. Readers may log on to www.LeePittsbooks.com to order any of Lee Pitts’ books. Those with questions or comments for Lee may write to him in care of this publication.