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It’s the Pitts
By Lee Pitts

If people’s stomachs continue to become more sensitive here’s what a typical restaurant menu might look like in a few years.

Buffalo Wings: No buffalo were harmed in the making of this dish. Mountain Oysters: Guaranteed to include no factory-farmed oysters. Breakfast

Eggs: These eggs were produced according to compassionate standards and have been certified by the NBA, NFL, NAACP and NASCAR to come from cage-free, organically raised, free-roaming chickens from a stable home environment.

Ham: The pork was produced by a Duroc sow, Identification number 35459834625. (We have no idea where your busboy came from.) The sow, which everyone affectionately referred to as Sally, led a long and healthy life, died of natural causes and was harvested in a somber, stress-free, nondenominational environment.

Avocado Sandwich with French Fries: Comes with your choice of bread made from grain that was not genetically modified or altered in any way. The avocados were grown in Mexico by Juan Esperanza who has had a lifelong interest in Mayan history and is married with two children (ages 10 and 4). The French Fries have been certified by the Sierra Club as being earth-friendly having been cooked in oil that had previously been used in the crankcase of a Prius automobile.

Salmon patties: No worms were drowned in the catching of this salmon.

Steak: The entree is drug-free and cleaner than most Major League ballplayers. The meat came from cattle that are free roaming, organic and natural because the rancher had poor fences and was too cheap to buy any medicine.

Roadkill Chicken with Turnips: A range raised and free-farmed piece of poultry brought to you by The Nature Conservancy who invites you to enjoy the taste of recycling, the excitement of vegetables and the end of private property as we know it.

Certified Chicken: Free range poultry that tastes just like the roadkill chicken but costs five dollars more and comes with a sharper knife.

Lobster: The lobster was not dropped into a pot of boiling water while still alive but instead was allowed to die of old age in a resthome for feeble crustaceans in Hollywood.

Chef’s Special. Rack of Lamb: A rare treat to find an entire carcass that was not previously dined on by wolves, bears and mountain lions.

Spinach Salad: With a delightful acid wash dressing guaranteed to kill e-coli.

Beet Salad: The beets were grown in humane, cruelty-free surroundings and Tibetan monks hummed Kumbaya as the beets were gently reaped.

Children’s Menu
Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich: The peanut butter contains no peanuts and the butter contains no trans-fats. The jelly was made from organic grapes that were allowed to rot on the vine before falling on an air mattress.

The AARP Senior Citizen’s Special
Organic Macaroni and Cheese: Made from low carb pasta and drug-free cheese that came from non-ozone depleting, grass-fed cows. The dairyman never once mistreated or raised his voice to his cows.

Milk: Contains no BST, BSE, ABC, CBS, NBA, or any other abbreviation and came from cows that were certified as “Happy Cows” by the American Institute of Psychiatry. The cows ate organic feed and had a complete background check by the FBI, CIA and the Department of Homeland Security, which is more than we can say about your chef. The cows were gently milked and are not clones. Their calves were conceived without the use of embryo transfer or artificial insemination. Which would explain why they are happy cows.

*This menu was printed on recycled paper using soybean ink, is totally digestible and tastes just like chicken.

This farm news was published in the Dec. 6, 2006 issue of Farm World, serving Indiana, Ohio, Illinois, Kentucky, Michigan and Tennessee.