By LEE PITTS
It's the Pitts column 

 

Chipotle wants its pork to come from free-rooting hogs that eat non-GMO rations and sleep in deeply bedded barns, and Panera Bread came out with a no-no list of things it wants no part of, including artificial preservatives, colors, sweeteners and flavors.

McDonald’s wants to serve only sustainable beef and “create excitement for fruits and vegetables” and it has teamed up with the Clinton Global Initiative on a “social and environmental mission.”

With each passing day another company tells stockmen how to raise their animals and how farmers should grow their crops. I wouldn’t be surprised in a few years if your Big Mac comes in a wrapper that says the following:

“Hi, I’m Little Chuck, or at least I used to be. Let me tell you a little bit about myself. I was a Bovine-American who was born in a five-star barn in Wisconsin and my birth was monitored by a team of veterinarians.

“My mother was medicated so neither she nor I felt any pain during the birthing process, although I gotta tell you, I thought I’d never get out of there.

“As a youngster I had complete access to sunshine, shade and the outdoors. At night I slept in a heated barn on a Serta mattress. I had no worries, stress or debt and never had to work a day in my life. The water I drank was certified free of fluoride and all the barbs had been removed from the fences, as mandated by federal law. I had access to fresh air at all times, although living with a whole herd of cattle I was exposed to the occasional ‘tootie.’

“At two months of age I was anesthetized so a veterinary surgeon could castrate me. I didn’t feel a thing, but afterwards I was more conflicted than Bruce Jenner. I ended up having sexual reassignment surgery, which the government paid for. You can follow my sexual journey on my Facebook page.

“I was NOT branded with a hot iron but was kidnapped by a neighbor and held for ransom because I didn’t have my ID on me. I never felt a cattle prod and was not given any hormones, although I sure could have used some after that whole castration thing. Instead of being branded I was given an ear stud, that are so popular with teenagers today.

“I’ve never been given an antibiotic nor was I wormed or sprayed for flies because lungworms, bacteria and flies have a right to life too. Besides, lungworms have been put on the endangered species list and I didn’t want to get crosswise with the Feds. I did that once when I was accused of being the aggressor in an inter-animal aggression case involving a horse, and I had to undergo intense sensitivity training.

“I was naturally weaned when my mother got tired of me tugging at her flanks. Luckily I had access to a team of ‘weaning counselors’ or I don’t know how I’d have survived that whole traumatic ordeal.

“At eight months I was sent away to boarding school because my mom thought I needed exposure to a wider world. She thought it would be good for my inner development if I went to a feedlot in Dalhart. I had a blast at the feedlot, where we took turns playing practical jokes on the pen riders.

“Then one day I was told we were going on a field trip to an organic alfalfa farm, but were instead taken in an air-conditioned truck with individual stalls to a ‘decon-struction facility.’ The trailer I was hauled in was spotless and inspected by the U.S. Department of Manure (USDM). If you want to see documentation, go to www. stupidpaperwork.gov

“The last thing I remember I was floating off to sleep. So there you have it; my life story. By the way, for everyone who buys one of my burgers, $1 will be donated to PETA. I hope you enjoy your hamburger, because I gave it all I could.

“Signed, Little Chuck.”

The waste bins at the restaurant will all be full of Big Macs made from Little Chuck, whom the customers didn’t want to eat because they had gotten to know him on a personal level.

I’m telling you McDonald’s, one day you’ll regret starting all this nonsense.

The views expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of Farm World. Readers may log on to www.LeePittsbooks.com to order any of Lee Pitts’ books. Those with comments may write to Pitts in care of this publication.