By LEE PITTS
It's the Pitts 

"It’s time for ‘Jeopardy!’ Standing in tonight for Alex is your guest host, Clint Eastwood."

"Let’s meet tonight’s contestants, The Good, The Bad And The Ugly," said Clint. "First, we have an eco-weenie from Parasite, Massachusetts, a professor of sustainability at Yale who graduated Magna Cum Loco from Harvard. Meet Lying Fred Johnson.

"Fred, it says here on this card you are like to play practical jokes on people. Fred, you ever come across somebody once in a while you shouldn’t mess with? Well that’s me," said Clint, as Fred wet himself.

Clint continued, "Next we have an animal rights maniac transgender cat therapist from Berkeley, Miss Givings. Or is it Mister? A cat therapist, huh? I bet you could use ‘A Fistful of Dollars’ or ‘A Few Dollars More?’" said Clint, plugging two of his many great movies.

"The final contestant in tonight’s ‘Jeopardy!’ contest is a genetically unemployable, semi-professional, part-time chef from Kneecap, Rhode Island, Miss Salmon Ella. It says here, Salmon, that you like to bake chocolate cookies in the nude. Well, isn’t that precious!

"The categories in ‘Jeopardy!’ are Corporate Criminals, Escape From Alcatraz, Harry Callahan, Walking The Dogma and Dig Them Chicks," said Clint. "Miss Givings, why don’t you start?"

"Thanks Dirty Harry. I’ll take Dig Them Chicks for $50."

"The answers are ‘Leghorns, Rhode Island Reds and Plymouth Rocks,’" said Clint.

"What are professional baseball teams?" guessed Lying Fred.

"Wrong, moron. How about you, Miss Givings? Care to take a wild guess? Do you feel lucky?"

"Who are professional wrestlers?" guessed Givings.

"You’re dumber than a refrigerator magnet. Care to take a wild stab, Salmon Ella? What are you waiting for? I swear, waiting for a woman to make up her mind, we may have a long wait.

"The correct question is ‘What are breeds of chickens?’ Go ahead, Salmon, pick another category."

"I think I’ll take Corporate Criminals for $50."

"The answer is, ‘The cause of the biggest environmental disaster in recent history.’"

"What are cows?" guessed Lying Fred.

"What is global warming?" chimed in Miss Givings.

"El biggo mistake-o," said Clint, "How about you, Salmon Ella? Cat got your tongue? What are you waiting for, a guaranteed answer? If you’re waiting for a guarantee, buy a toaster.

"You’re all wrong. The question is, ‘Who is the Environmental Protection Agency?’"

After a terrible first round of "Jeopardy!" Clint said, "If you’re waiting for your scores, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. I know what you’re thinking; I don’t really know if Lying Fred and Miss Givings are tied at minus $3,000 or minus $4,000.

"Salmon Ella, because you did not attempt one question you remain at zero. You’re all pathetic.

"Let’s play ‘Double Jeopardy!’ The categories are Hooked On The Poppy, Edible Bugs, Socially Responsible Food, Fat And Stupid and Freaks, Geeks And Pipsqueaks. Salmon, since you are ahead – sort of – you go first."

"I’ll take Socially Responsible Food for $100."

"I’ll bet you would," said Clint. "The answer is, ‘The Most Nutrient-Dense Food.’"

"What is tofu on a stick?" guessed Miss Givings.

"What is arugula?" said Lying Fred.

Again, Salmon didn’t utter a peep. "Wrong and wrong," said Clint. "The answer is, ‘What is beef?’ I’m telling you, there are two kinds of people in this world: those with loaded guns and those who do the digging. You all had better grab a shovel, ‘cause I’m gettin’ tired of all of y’all."

It went on like this until the final bell. "I am told that for the first time in the long history of ‘Jeopardy!’" said Clint, "this is the first time no contestant has a positive score. What a bunch of cuckoos.

"And Salmon Ella, you’re the first contestant to never even ring in. Make my day and get off the stage before I hang you high or turn you every which way but loose," said the Outlaw Josey Wales.

The views and opinions expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of Farm World.

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