Despite being married for 43 years, my wife and I couldn’t have children, so I’m not speaking from experience on the subject of kids.

 

But from the outside looking in, here are what I think would be some of the most dreaded words a parent could hear from their son or daughter:

Mama, Frankie said babies are made by too much kissing; is that true? How are babies made, anyway?

But Billy got a BB gun when he was 6! Mommy, Michael said there’s no such thing as Santa Claus. He’s wrong, right? Daddy, can we get a horse? Can we? Pretty please?

Mama, I was just wondering, theoretically of course, if a person wanted to get cow manure stains out of a brand new white carpet, how would they go about it? Mom, why did you marry Daddy? But Kristen is getting a nose ring; why can’t I? She warned me and said we probably couldn’t afford one.

Mom, you don’t have to make me pancakes that look like animals anymore. I think we’re both more mature than that and have moved beyond that stage.

Let me off about three blocks away from school. I don’t want any of my friends to see me.

Dad, can you help me with my math homework? It’s only a sleepover, and Jennifer’s older sister will be there.

Can I get a raise in my allowance so I can buy a tongue stud? We both know how inflation has ravaged my allowance and my needs are much greater now that I’m in the third grade. But he’s only a senior and I’ll be starting junior high next year. Besides, Dad’s 10 years older than you.

Wanna see my new tattoo? If I had my own brand new Porsche it would free up Mom from the drudgery of hauling me around and it might come in handy around the ranch. So what if it cost $100,000? You let me drive a half-million-dollar combine, don’t you? But you said yourself you tried smoking when you were 16.

Dad, Mom needs a new cell phone and the latest iPhone is coming out. Why don’t you buy me the new phone and I’ll give my old one to Mom?

You always wanted grandkids, didn’t  you? And Great-Great-Grandma was married at 13 and had six kids by the time she was 21. So at 16, I’m actually a little behind schedule. Right?

I don’t know why you’re so upset about just a little fender-bender. You were saying just the other day that we needed a new car.

Can you come pick me up? I’m at the police station. And bring the checkbook. I’m not going to be available to work at the ranch all summer for free – I got a summer student intern job at Larry’s House of Porn.

Mom, Dad, thanks for putting me through seven years of college so I could 

get my B.A. degree in emoji sticker engineering.

I don’t want to come back to the farm because I think I’d have a brighter future either as a fingernail artist or as a rapper.

The recruiter said I might not have to go to Afghanistan right away.

So what if I have a $200,000 college loan? I’ve only been at the company for three years now and I’m already getting minimum wage.

I know I’m 32 and without any job prospects, but I’m still waiting for that perfect job at 7-Eleven to open up. In the meantime, can I have my old room back? I’m sure it will just be for a little while.

The views and opinions expressed in this column are those of the author and not necessarily those of Farm World. Readers may log on to www.LeePittsbooks.com to order any of Lee Pitts’ books. Those with questions or comments for Lee may write to him in care of this publication.