You can’t blame this one on the “kids today.” It’s otherwise sweet little old ladies who are dealing anarchy in the banana bin.

On several occasions over the last few months when I’ve visited a market near my home, I have observed little old ladies lurking around the banana bin. They are picking up and examining every bunch of bananas the produce man has put out for display and purchase.

Then, as soon as my back is turned and I am moving away to other items in the store, I hear echoing throughout the produce department the ghastly sound of a bunch of selected bananas being ripped apart by a little old lady.

Maybe there were five bananas in the bunch before the big rip-off occurred, but now there might be just two orphan bananas all alone in the open spot in the banana bin.

Nobody wants to buy two lonely bananas, so they stay there until the produce man takes the loss and throws them away. That, my friends, is why we’re paying 49 cents a pound for bananas that sell for 25 cents a pound in more civilized areas.

I say ripping apart small bunches of bananas is unethical, and there should be consequences and repercussions for ladies who would do such a dastardly trick. I’ll bet you agree with me on this.

Elvis Presley Fried Peanut Butter Banana Sandwich
2 slices square white sandwich bread
2 tablespoons peanut butter (Elvis ate smooth peanut butter)
1 ripe banana, mashed
2 tablespoons butter

Here’s a trick to make these better: Toast the bread a little bit before starting to make the sandwich.

Spread the peanut butter on one slice and the mashed banana on the other.

Spread one tablespoon butter on top of the sandwich and melt the other tablespoon in a hot skillet. Lay the naked side of the sandwich on the hot butter, and toast. Then, turn and toast the other side.

The Elvis song “Are You Lonesome Tonight?” is believed by some to be a song of sadness about the orphan bananas left to rot in the bin after little old ladies rip bunches of bananas apart. Ladies, see what you did to Elvis?

True Redneck Peanut Butter Sandwich
2 slices bread
2 tablespoons peanut butter
3 sweet midget Gherkin pickles, split lengthways
1 tablespoon Miracle Whip

This one doesn’t need to be fried in butter; it’s scrumptious just like this. If Elvis had known about this version, I’m convinced he’d still be alive.