Girls, can we talk?</p><p>
Recently, my wife and I were invited to a wedding, and in the process I was introduced to the bridal registry. At first, I thought it was just another “voluntary” ID program to register your horse tack with the USDA.</p><p>
How was I supposed to know that it’s a wish list for wedding gifts from expensive stores? My wife and I were married so long ago that department stores, blenders and Calphalon cookware didn’t even exist.</p><p>
I suppose that telling people what you want and need to set up house avoids the problem of getting 15 toasters or bamboo cutting boards. My problem with the bridal registry is that most women register at the wrong stores. Places like Macy’s, Bloomingdale’s, Tiffany’s, Pottery Barn and Neiman Marcus may be all right for your average urban gal who wants crystal vases and compote cups, but I think rural brides-to-be would be much better off registering for gifts at Ace Hardware, Shepler’s, Tractor Supply, Brighton’s, Big Bend Saddlery and the nearest Dollar Store.</p><p>
Believe me, brides, there will be a lot of things you’re going to need more on the ranch than a Christofle sterling silver fork worth $415. When it comes to flatware, you’ll need a good pair of fence pliers or a Leatherman tool more than a silver fork. Instead of a $375 Henckel carving set, I’d ask for a good skinning knife, if I were you.</p><p>
I’ve really never understood the practicality of crystal flutes, goblets and stemware at $75 bucks a pop. Stuff like that is much too delicate to use and, besides, you can always buy glasses and such for 25 cents at yard, farm and estate sales.</p><p>
You can imagine my surprise when my wife and I discovered that the bride who invited us to the wedding had asked for Haviland china plates costing $354 EACH. For something like that, I advise large groups go in together. But if you’re going to ask for something that expensive, you might as well ask for a squeeze chute, a bass boat or something else you actually might use once in awhile after you’re married.</p><p>
Another category of wedding gifts that makes no sense to me are linens. Why should a ranch gal ask for a $375 Calvin Klein padded silk comforter when she’ll hardly be spending any time at all in bed? A pair of insulated Carhartt coveralls would come in much more handy during calving or lambing season.</p><p>
And are you going to really want to use that $27 Ralph Lauren towel to dry off that newborn calf or oil spill on the carpet?
As for gifts for entertaining, what makes you think you’re going to have time to use that wine bucket, espresso maker or Cuisinart food processor? Instead of a $105 Nambe Wine chiller, you’d be better off asking for a sturdy ice chest in which you can chill wine and also keep the vaccine cold at brandings.</p><p>
And as for the Kissing Salt and Pepper shakers … well, that’s something else you won’t have time for: Kissing.</p><p>
Instead of scented candles, ask for a generator for when the power goes out. Instead of an expensive Dyson vacuum cleaner, ask for a Sears ShopVac. And that $160 Samsonite boarding bag? Listen girls, after you get home from your honeymoon to Las Vegas to watch the NFR, your traveling days are pretty much over. Forever.
Ladies, if it was me getting married to a rancher, here are a few things I’d put on my bridal registry: A pair of sturdy work gloves, floor mats for the truck, an industrial strength toilet plunger, a roll of chicken wire, a rectal thermometer, bull semen, deer rifle, his-and-her chaps, a pile of road gravel and a gift certificate for one free septic pumping. A load of hay would be nice, too, but it might be hard to wrap.</p><p>
Another thoughtful gift would be a lifetime supply of the following:  WD-40, udder balm, sheep dip, calamine lotion, Tums, Pepto Bismol and Preparation H, for those long days in the saddle. Gals, if I were you, instead of silverware and china, I’d ask for a Border Collie pup – because as a young ranch wife, you’re going to need someone to talk to.