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Are you sheepless in Seattle? Check out this place

Have you eaten out lately? Take my word – it’s just not worth the effort.

Some foody friends of ours were visiting from Seattle and wanted to eat at a restaurant in a neighboring town that was opened by a friend of theirs. Evidently, the place has been the talk of the town since it opened three months ago and is harder to get into than MENSA. My wife and I had reservations … but we went anyway.

Now, I’ve spent my life on the road eating at “restaurants” that either wrapped their food in waxed paper, put it in a Styrofoam container or slipped it into a flat box. I’m used to eating in places where the prices are printed on the menu along with photos of the food, that, by the way, look nothing like the food you are served.
I recently saw a list of the 20 worst places to eat, and I’ve dined in many of them.

I’m not used to having to dress up in what I call ”funeral clothes” to go out to eat. When I put on the old nosebag, I’m not usually dressed in formal wear, so when I was told I had to wear a jacket and tie for our night on the town I almost canceled.

Our friends were excited that they were able to reserve the best table in the restaurant: In the kitchen. I kid you not. (My wife likes to go out to get out of the kitchen.) Evidently, sitting in the kitchen where you can watch the celebrity chef prepare your food is all the rage now. If you are lucky, he or she may even talk to you.

I swear, to this day I cannot tell you whether our waiter/waitress was a male or female. He-She had metal hanging from every appendage and every square inch of his or her exposed skin revealed a colorful tattoo.

He-She also had the personality of a ketchup bottle, which I was later informed were not made available because it would spoil the ambiance. I don’t know about you, but I can’t eat without ketchup.
He-She then told us the specials of the night. “We offer organically raised New Zealand lamb with a ginger sauce that was grown without chemicals or fertilizers and has been approved by the Humane Society. That will be served with a mint and pea coulis that was sustainably grown and contains no trans fats.”

“Oh, I’m having that,” one of our friends said. “We can’t get good lamb in Seattle.” (I’m sure that will come as a surprise to many fine restaurants in that city.)

He-She continued. “Tonight we also have Mexican snacking grasshoppers and Peruvian guinea pig that were fair-traded and have been approved as green meats.”

“That’s not for me,” I said. “The only green meat I’ve ever eaten was the mystery meat my mother left in the refrigerator too long.”
He-She looked at me in disgust and continued. “Michelle will be bringing you  mineral water with all-natural wedges of lemon. May I offer anyone a cocktail. Perhaps an asparagus daiquiri? They are cholesterol-free. Or may I start you off with some caviar that was gently removed from fish that were not harmed in any way?”
“How did you get the eggs out of the fish? Embryo transfer?” I asked.

My wife chose the Steak Diane over the cage-free chicken – whose name was George, I think – along with a salad (which we would later discover cost $45). It contained locally raised endive and shrimp that were raised in a non-farm environment.

I passed on the humanely raised, micro-formed chicken eggs, eco-friendly celery whipped potatoes and “le turbot,” which sounded to me like a car but cost more. I’ve always made it a point not to spend my salary on celery, so I just nibbled on organic herbed French fries and sipped my non-municipal-sourced drinking water.
For dessert everyone had the custard made from rBGH-free milk and shade-grown coffee that was produced under jungle-like conditions to harbor wildlife. Then He-She brought recycled, old-growth-forest-free doggy bags, along with the bill.

Which, naturally, ended up in my sweaty palms. Believe me, there was nothing “free” on it.

Readers with questions or comments for Lee Pitts may direct them to him in care of this publication.

This farm news was published in the April 23, 2008 issue of the Farm World, serving Indiana, Ohio, Illinois, Kentucky, Michigan and Tennessee.

4/23/2008