Here are a few quotes I don’t think you’ll ever hear at a livestock auction – from an order buyer:

“I wish the auctioneer would hurry up, I’m late for my Pilates class.”
“I sure hope I gave enough money for the calves I bought so that the ranchers who raised them will be able to buy nice Christmas gifts for their families.”

“What is this old slaughter cow’s frame score? Or, do you have the scrotal measurement for this bologna bull?”

“I wonder if that shirt the auctioneer is wearing also comes in men’s colors?”

“Have you read any good books lately?”

“I wish the auctioneer would turn his microphone volume up.”
“According to the university professors and editors, these cattle are certainly deserving of a premium. Perhaps I should just add a little something to my final bid.”

“That sushi I had for lunch in the auction market cafe certainly was delicious.”
“That ring man sure is cute.”
“The auctioneer sounds like a Beethoven concerto.”
“Does this outfit make me look fat?”
“These cattle are exactly what I was looking for ... and very cheap, too!”
“Please.”
“Thank you.”
Now, from the auctioneer:
“Turn down my volume.”

“Aren’t these cattle terrible? I’ve seen more grease on a fast food taco. I’ve seen more meat on a bowling ball.”

“I’ll only sell this cow to you if you promise me you’ll give her a good home.”

“Swing those gates slower, boys, I’m having a hard time keeping up.”

“This is a dispersal. The consignor sent us his entire herd, consisting of two head, and haven’t they been sorted into two nice uniform lots?”

“These 10-year-old outlaws haven’t been castrated, dehorned or ever seen a corral, but I’m sure they’ll be dog-gentle once you get them back to your place.”

“If you buy these cattle, you are dumber than a bottle of fabric softener.”

“By your bidding it appears that you cow buyers are ‘strategically aligned.’”

“These cows aren’t bangs vaccinated, but if you travel at night no one will know.”

“Sure, these cattle have been weaned. About 10 hours now, I’d guess.”

“What, no more cattle to sell today! Darn, it’s only 10 p.m.! I’ve been chanting for nine hours, and I was hoping the sale would last at least until midnight.”

“Are you sure you want to bid that much? Do you need more time to think about it?”

“I wish you’d break me down to dimes because I sure need the practice.”

“The bid is against you, fine sir. These cattle have a magnificent provenance, is there any further advance of the bid?”
“I’d sure hate to lose a customer but in your case, let me get our competitor’s phone number for you.”

“The only thing holding this trader cow together are all the sale barn tags.”

“That ring man sure is cute.”

And, from the consignor:
“The commission is very reasonable, and I sure did like our spot in the sale order.”

“My cattle brought way too much money – more than I ever expected. My banker is going to be very pleased.”

Readers with questions or comments for Lee Pitts may write to him in care of this publication.