Our president made a big deal about picking out the right pup for his family. His main selection criteria were: was it hypoallergenic, did it shed and was it a Democrat?

Evidently so, because Ted Kennedy gave the first family a Portuguese Water Dog. (Am I the only person who thinks it’s amusing that Ted Kennedy raises dogs that can swim?)
It’s been a while since our dog died and I’m itching to get another one, but my wife is reluctant because she’s still not over the death of our last dog, Aussie. Although I’ve not decided on the right breed, I have eliminated some dogs from my list.

Although I love Border Collies, it goes against my judgment to have a dog that is smarter than me. Just like I don’t want a bulldog, pug or bloodhound because I don’t want a dog that is better-looking than me, either.

Chihuahuas are out because I was bitten on my eye by one when I was a child and it left a lasting impression. (About an inch long.) Besides, if I wanted a small animal with a rotten personality, that would ignore me, I’d  get a cat.

I don’t want a poodle, since I don’t want a dog that looks down their nose at me because I am below them socially – even if it is true. Shih Tzus and Bouvier de Flanders are out because I don’t want a dog I can’t spell, and I don’t want a Rottweiler, Doberman or Pit Bull because I wouldn’t know if I’m getting the dog or the dog is getting me.

With the escalating price of dog food, I don’t want a dog that eats too much – and positively no crotch-dogs that always smell you in embarrassing places. I’m not talking about church or the post office.

It’s much more difficult these days to pick out the right pup, compared to when we were kids. Back then someone either gave you a dog or one happened to come by the house and never left. We got one dog when we bought a place and the dog came with the deal.

But now we have Canine Behavior Specialists to help you pick out a dog with an IQ that matches your own. One expert on the subject told me that people should look for the same traits in a dog that they would look for in selecting a spouse – but dogs that have a good job, medical insurance and a large dowry are hard to find.
There are many websites that promise to match your personality to the right breed of dog by asking a lengthy set of highly personal questions. I went to one such site and it asked me if I liked to eat alone, did I enjoy public speaking, did I pick up after myself, did I like to vacuum, were there houseplants in my home, if I lost my wallet did I believe the finder would return it and, finally, did I have body odor?

I ask you, what’s all that got to do with picking out a pup? On second thought, there’s something to be said for not being the smelliest mammal in the house.

The website also asked if I’d be willing to spend 10 minutes a day grooming my dog. Heck, I don’t spend that much time grooming myself a day, and I’ll be darned if I’m going to do it for a dog!
They also asked a lot of puzzling questions like, “Can you fix mechanical things around the house?” Is there a breed of dog that I’m unfamiliar with that likes to destroy refrigerators, washers and dryers?

It also wanted to know what sports I preferred and, if my dog could read, what newspaper would it buy: The Wall Street Journal, USA Today or The New York Times? I kid you not. (If I had my choice of the three papers, I’d like my dog to go wee-wee on The New York Times.)

After I answered all the questions, the website replied, “We’re sorry, we found no breed that matches your results.” As for what dog was closest to matching my personality, it said to get a long little doggie. A Dachshund.

The issue of what kind of dog to get will likely be settled for us. In the car the other day, my wife squinted through the windshield and said, “I swear, I think I’m going blind.”

So, I suppose we’ll be getting either a German Shepherd or a Lab, because I don’t think the 4-H kids these days are training any wiener dogs for the blind.

Readers with questions or comments for Lee Pitts may write to him in care of this publication.