A common complaint about husbands is they withdraw during arguments and refuse to discuss issues that are important to their wives. When this becomes a pattern, it is destructive and often intensifies conflict between them.

Generally speaking, it is the wife that pursues and the husband who runs way.

Women, if asked about their frustration and anger, explain they are not angry but are trying to discuss, in an animated – sometimes emotional – way, an issue of vital importance to themselves and the relationship. They feel they are trying to resolve a difference between them, and that their mate over-interprets their emotion as anger.

When women acknowledge their anger, they explain it as an attempt to break through when all other methods of communicating have failed. Their anger demonstrates their anxiety and concern to make a change in their relationship.

It also indicates their level of frustration with the inability to engage in a problem-solving process with their spouse. It is easy to imagine that their husbands’ failure to respond to their concerns is a calculated way of maintaining power or control in their relationship.

Why men run away. It is true that some men use withdrawal to control the agenda of what gets talked about and what doesn’t. However, for some men, there is another explanation.

Men may be hardwired to fight the saber-toothed tiger, but they feel helpless in the face of a female “assault” where force or retaliation is not an option. They don’t know how to deal with a woman’s anger, tears or biting criticism.

Instead of reacting with anger, calmly listening to their spouse or engaging in a dialogue about the issue at hand, they retreat.

A man on the receiving end of these angry complaints feels hurt, angry or defensive. His wife is armed with a litany of well thought-out complaints, weaknesses and failures described in vivid and graphic detail. Her memory for past hurts is unforgivingly precise.
His explanations in the past haven’t been good enough. When he tries to explain himself, he digs an even deeper hole. He feels out-argued and outmatched by his righteously indignant and verbally skilled wife. So what does he do? He does like other brave, masculine compatriots of his gender would do – he withdraws.

He sulks. He gets even by not cooperating. Even if he feels his wife’s pain, he can’t bring himself to comfort her because of his own wounded pride and martyred self-pity. Being macho, he doesn’t let on how badly he is hurt by her cutting remarks or his sense of helplessness to communicate his side of the matter. He just hopes the issue will go away. He slips into a sanctuary of silence.

Why women pursue. How does a woman react to a man who dismisses her and refuses to have a dialogue about her concerns? She becomes more angry and frustrated. His unwillingness to talk about her concerns makes her wonder if he doesn’t care. She feels lonely and neglected.

So what does she do? She steps up the pressure. She tries to break through with greater force and insistence. Her efforts to communicate her unhappiness and displeasure result in more withdrawal and camouflaged combat that spread to other aspects of their marriage.

How does a spouse break this escalating pattern of anger, withdrawal and poor problem-solving? Becoming angry and confrontational doesn’t work.

Talk less and listen more. Listen to his feelings and draw him out in an atmosphere that is safe. Summarize his concerns in a caring way and show him you understand the point he is trying to make. Let him know you respect his opinion and that it matters what he thinks.

Don’t come across as always being “right.” Be open to influence by what he says. Consider his ideas before responding. Don’t interrupt. Let him explain himself fully before asking for the floor. Put yourself in his shoes and show empathy for the position he perceives himself to be in.

Ask open-ended questions. “So what do you think?” or “Why do you think that happened?” Be curious. Spend time getting to know his logic. Don’t react with disbelief or negative body language. Take your time and get to the bottom of his thinking before giving a counter-argument or position.

Stay calm. Practice a slow, soft warm-up to the issue at hand. Express your positive intent to resolve difficulties and reaffirm your love before launching into your side of the issue. Voice your complaints and concerns with a calm tone of voice.

Express your appreciation. After a discussion, express your appreciation for his discussing the matter with you. Reaffirm your love again.

What is the husband’s responsibility? Verbalize your side of the issue. Do your part to open up the dialogue. Trust that your wife will be open-minded and treat your point of view with respect.
Listen to anger or emotion without overreacting. Listening means summarizing her points in a caring way.

By trying to understand your spouse’s concerns when she is upset, you show your love for her. Being willing to work with her on problems gives her hope that changes she needs in the relationship can be negotiated – and so can yours.

Dr. Val Farmer is a clinical psychologist specializing in family business consultation and mediation with farm families. He lives in Wildwood, Mo., and may be contacted through his website at www.valfarmer.com

For Farmer’s book on marriage, To Have and To Hold, send a check or money order for $14.95 plus $3.95 for shipping and handling for the first book, and $2 for each additional book, to: JV Publishing, LLC, P.O. Box 886, Casselton, ND 58012.