We have all been touched by incomprehensible loss of life of friends, loved ones and relatives who die in a tragic accident or who succumb to disease that came out of nowhere. These events are sudden, traumatic and life-changing for those who survive.

There is no script for death, but this is not the way it should happen. Family, friends and colleagues come together to mourn their loss and to pay tribute to the memories of those whose departure was so abrupt and final.

A communal loss needs a communal response. It helps when others besides immediate family take the time and care enough to reach out and comfort the bereaved with their loss. Having others mourn their loss also recognizes and soothes the deep hurt of friends and family members. Just being there is soothing.
What it means to soothe. The dictionary definition of soothe is to bring comfort, solace, reassurance, peace, composure and relief. Even the sound of the word “soothe” tells you it is something special.

Soothing has a long history. Mothers and fathers do this for their babies. A mother provides the protection a child needs when its own resources are exhausted. When her child is hyper-aroused and overstimulated, a mother steps in to calm, soothe and lower arousal.

When this protection doesn’t occur, a pattern of protest with an increase of adrenalin sets in. This is followed by despair after the adrenalin has been depleted. The same thing happens to a trauma victim.

The trauma reaction. The usual coping skills of a trauma victim are overwhelmed by an uncontrollable, terrible life event.

During the protest phase, a trauma victim may experience panic, aggressiveness, irritability, nightmares and possibly an intrusive reliving of the trauma. The emotions are primitive, intense and overpowering. The victim feels helpless and incapacitated.

Once the stage of protest/despair is triggered by events that resemble the initial trauma, the emotional phases can be triggered by a victim’s own thoughts or an everyday occurrence. Victims often show all-or-nothing responses even to minor stress.

To ward off anxiety, a trauma victim may try to seal their unwanted emotions and memories from their conscious awareness. This takes a great deal of psychic energy and fragments their sense of self.

It may seem strange, but trauma victims sometimes try to calm themselves by re-exposing themselves to trauma to release natural body opioids that have tranquilizing or calming effects. More often though, victims compulsively use illicit drugs, alcohol, eating or exercise to calm themselves.

Being left alone is worse. Perhaps the most subtle and devastating effect is not the original trauma but the lack of caring and support after a traumatic experience.

Studies have shown when a victim is left alone with a traumatic experience, without comfort and calming, the trauma is not integrated into their experience and becomes injurious. Victims fail to moderate their emotions. They sense a loss of control. Failure to comfort a victim has a long-term impact on his or her functioning.

The current trauma may also trigger heightened stress reactions in victims who have unresolved abandonment or trauma issues from their past. They have already been traumatized and left alone in the past. The current trauma brings back feelings of past hurts and abandonment.