Do you know anyone with thin skin? It’s tough on everyone. Taking criticism is hard because it requires a difficult skill: The ability to control one’s emotions and thoughts while listening and understanding what the critic is saying.

Failure to take criticism causes a breakdown in the communication and problem-solving process. It is frustrating for the other party who feels they are raising a legitimate issue in a constructive way and hoping for a dialogue. Instead, what he or she gets is an argument, a counter-attack, anger, defensiveness or emotional withdrawal and disengagement.

Emotional control. Emotional arousal caused by criticism interferes with the ability to listen. The “threatened” individual is flooded with emotion or thoughts that may make it difficult to focus on the details of what is being said.

The listener’s immediate reaction is based on quick, faulty assumptions and inaccurate listening. It is obvious by the response that the criticism was not accurately heard in the way that it was intended. The discussion goes nowhere.

People vary in their ability to concentrate, detach, understand and empathize with the other person’s point of view. This is made more difficult when he or she has strong opinions or feels vulnerable to negative judgments.

Show understanding. The speaker obviously cares and wants the situation to improve or he or she wouldn’t be offering criticism. Apathy, indifference and withdrawal are the opposite of concerned engagement.

The critic obviously cares about the situation and is trying to repair a problem. There is a good chance the criticism is valid or that, at a minimum, it contains a kernel of truth that needs to be understood.

The way others see us is an important source of feedback about reality. Confronting a problem is an invitation to personal growth and to an improved relationship. Even if the criticism, complaint or issue being brought up seems unreasonable, untrue or distorted in some way, the willingness to see the other person’s perception as a legitimate concern shows care for that person.

Learn to use conversational etiquette. The basics of etiquette requires keeping track of who has the floor in the conversation, a willingness to gain understanding of another’s perspective and showing that understanding by giving an adequate summary of what was heard.

A good listener shows patience and curiosity by drawing the speaker out further. Requests to gain the floor are best when the speaker feels he or she has finished and feels understood.
Some people mistakenly believe that by being a good listener they are agreeing with the things being said. That is not true. All that is being demonstrated is that they understand what is being said, not that it is being agreed to.

Also, knowing that the roles will be reversed and that the listening role will be reciprocated blunts the tendency to interrupt and give one’s opinions right away.

Here is a list of “dos” and “don’ts” in dealing with criticism.
Control your emotion. It takes emotional control to listen to a differing point of view and hear the person out. Watch your negative body language or tone of voice reflected by sarcasm, hostility or angry responses. Reacting with hurt or brooding silence is not productive.

Don’t interrupt. Don’t give your side of the issue until you have shown the other party you understand his or her point. If you are aroused to the point where you can’t listen effectively, ask for a break and for some time to assimilate what is being said.

Ask to be the speaker. The emotional need to explain oneself, defend or interrupt dissolves if you feel understood. If you feel you need to clarify your motives, simply state your view without getting angry or defensive. Once this emotional energy has dissolved, you are better prepared to be a good listener yourself.

Ask questions. Paraphrase or summarize the point being said in the most caring way you can. Draw your critic out. Ask for examples. Clarify the problem. It is valuable to get the other person’s full perception so that your comments are responsive to his or her concerns.

Take criticism into account. Immediate retorts and canned answers signal that you may not have heard the criticism, and may cause your critic to redouble his or her efforts to get through to you. Show that you are taking into account the speaker’s perspective.
Don’t quibble or get sidetracked. Even if the points being made are harsh, unfair, exaggerated or even extreme, ignore the offensive part and try to find the underlying concern. The way it is being said isn’t the problem. The problem is the problem.

In paraphrasing, deliberately use milder and more benign language to help stay on track.

Find a way to agree with what is being said, or at least part of it. Don’t argue against feelings. People are entitled to their feelings whether you agree with them or not. If you disagree, listen carefully to what is being said. Work on forming a bridge from something you agree on, to the areas of disagreement.

The real test of this skill of taking criticism comes under tense and emotional conditions. It can work wonders in working through differences and resolving problems.

Dr. Val Farmer is a clinical psychologist specializing in family business consultation and mediation with farm families. He lives in Wildwood, Mo., and may be contacted through his website at www.valfarmer.com

For Farmer’s book on marriage, To Have and To Hold, send a check or money order for $14.95 plus $3.95 for shipping and handling for the first book, and $2 for each additional book, to: JV Publishing, LLC, P.O. Box 886, Casselton, ND 58012.