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What I wish farm families would better understand

Managing personal and family life: It is important to share the emotions, struggles and triumphs of daily life with each other. Too many farmers and their wives grow apart by not talking enough. The lack of a shared life causes marriages to wither and emotions to be withdrawn from a lifestyle that is too hard without mutual goals and commitment.

In relationships, it is important to take the time to really listen and understand each other before reflexively giving one’s own opinion. Listening seems to be a lost art and poor listening leads to misunderstandings and poor relationships.

Anger and temper problems are destructive in relationships and need to be nipped in the bud through disengagement, self-control, patience and choosing more thoughtful ways to express frustrations. Too many farmers haven’t learned to control their tempers and damage their relationships through angry outbursts.
It is important to nurture and meet the emotional needs of one’s spouse and family as well as managing and working in farming. Too many farmers put the farm ahead of the needs of their spouse and children and drive a wedge between themselves and their family.

It is important to learn to manage personal stress rather than have stress spill over on to family members and non-family employees. Too many farmers are unaware of how their negative emotions and poor emotional control affect people around them.

Rural couples need to learn to say “no” and establish their own set of personal and family priorities when confronted with too many demands in their rural communities. Too many farm families feel consumed by all the demands of the community and worry about their image, while neglecting self-care and family concerns. By being clear about goals and priorities, families can stay in control of their lives.

It is important to seek help for marital difficulties before problems become magnified and too much damage has been done. Too many farmers don’t take their wives’ unhappiness and complaints seriously enough and don’t go for help until their wife’s motivation for change has been sapped and she wants out of the marriage.
Approaches to farming: It is important to live a balanced lifestyle where farm work is offset by positive relationships, leisure, reflection, spirituality, service to others and deep communications.
Too many farmers invest their time, attention and energy into farming and neglect their own needs and the needs of other family members. The farm and farm work become too important – an end in itself instead of a means to an end.

Fathers need to be patient, gentle teachers who put feelings and excitement of children working with them ahead of doing things right. Too many farmers alienate their young children by being too critical, explosive or impatient when mistakes are made. A farm family needs an atmosphere where fun, lighthearted humor and play are a regular part of family living.

When farming with adult children, it is important to be open to ideas, delegate meaningful responsibility and share decisions in the spirit of true partnership. Too many farmers have a top-down style of management that robs their operations of motivation, commitment and ideas that would make for better farming and happier people. They stunt the growth and motivation of their farming partners by being too much in control.

Many problems in multi-family farming operations can be solved by having well-organized and well-run family business meetings. Too many farmers attempt to run a complex business without a systematic way of bringing up and resolving conflict, coordinating activities and discussing short- and long-range goals.

Unresolved conflicts take a toll on family relationships and limit business success.

The most important work on the farm is grooming and preparing the next generation of successors – whether it is in the operation itself or for life in general.

Record-keeping, financial management and fiscal review of farm and family living expenses are an important part of farming success. Too many farmers neglect bookwork in favor of the more satisfying and compelling “hands on” work.

Coping with adversity: When faced with financial and emotional pressures, it is important to share one’s dilemma with a confidant. Too many farmers internalize their problems and withdraw emotionally in order to avoid dealing with it or to protect their loved ones.
They don’t realize that by expressing their concerns, they start themselves on a problem-solving process and allow their loved ones to care about them and to share their own ideas and concerns.

During a time of crisis, a couple needs to go through adversity together and communicate well, minimize conflict and be mutually supportive. Too many women feel isolated and helpless when heir husbands refuse to communicate or lash out with anger and blame during times of stress.

If debt looms as an emerging concern, farmers need to seek financial and emotional advice a lot sooner in the process of gaining control and confidence in their plans. Too many farmers wait too long to get help when they are in financial trouble.
Their debts spiral downward and out of control. Their personal coping and family relationships suffer in the process. Unrecognized and untreated depression can take a toll on marriage and also results in social withdrawal and poor financial decisions.

Dr. Val Farmer is a clinical psychologist specializing in family business consultation and mediation with farm families. He lives in Wildwood, Mo., and may be contacted through his website at www.valfarmer.com

Farmer’s book Honey I Shrunk the Farm is on sale for $9, with free shipping, through www.valfarmer.com or send a check or money order for $9.50 to: “Honey, I Shrunk the Farm,” The Preston Connection, PO Box 1135, Orem UT 84059.

2/17/2010