To me, cell phones have become a typical example of the physical and moral decay in this world of ours. I knew this was gonna happen the minute they made cell phones affordable for the common man and woman.

It used to be that you could tell by the make of their vehicle if travelers were driving like a jerk because they were intoxicated or merely talking on their cellular. When car phones first came out only people driving autos made in Germany could afford them. But now that they cost so little that hayseeds who drive old Studebaker trucks, station wagons and decrepit Winnebagos have them, this has created a dangerous driving environment for everyone.

According to one old British study, people who have a cellular phone run a 34 percent higher risk of having an accident. This is because portable phones are now in the hands of people who were never intended to have them... like order buyers and Italian women. These are people who can’t talk on the phone without making hand gestures so they drive with their knees. Or men who do a good job talking and a fair job driving but they can’t do both at the same time.

I was riding around the other day with an order buyer and we were on a crooked, two-lane road behind a string of recreational vehicles, semi trucks and sight-seers going slower than a snail on crutches. The order buyer was getting more irritated with each passing mile marker. Please keep in mind this is a man who thinks his car is broke down if his horn doesn’t work. (It was working well this day). When we hit a straight stretch the order buyer passed the entire convoy which was being led by a cowboy pulling a gooseneck. The order buyer muttered under his breath as we pulled back into line, barely missing an oncoming big dog (a Greyhound). Once past the slow-moving vehicles, the order buyer got on his car phone and immediately lost track of where he was, and the fact that he was driving. Soon we were being honked at by the cowboy and being passed by recreational vehicles.

I can understand the benefit of a cell phone if you are broke down or need to order a pizza to go. But often drivers get on their cell phones because they are bored. Let me take this opportunity to inform my cellular endowed friends that I AM NOT BORED. So don’t call me if all you want is to pass the time or ask for directions. I am especially irritated by people who call and keep cutting me off, thus interrupting my dinner on five separate occasions with static and garbled chit chat.

It is because of cell phones that I probably will not get a chance to pick any grapes in the Lord’s vineyard when my time comes. You see, I was riding with an auctioneer in Texas and we were late for a sale; flying under the radar through small Texas towns. But we were slowed down when we hit a four-way stop and the longest funeral procession I have ever seen pulled out in front of us. Either the deceased was the most well-liked guy in town, or a politician and the home folks just wanted to make sure he was dead. Anyway, we followed the long black line doing about five miles per day, or so it seemed. Then we committed an act I am ashamed to admit. It’s the reason I probably won’t be allowed into heaven. Yes, the auctioneer began passing the grieving motorcade!

I gasped and said, “You are supposed to show a little respect for the dead.” So, the auctioneer took off his Stetson and held it to his heart as we passed the hearse.

Sure enough, I noticed as we passed the lead car, the one with the box in back, that the undertaker was talking on his cell phone.