As a lifelong road agent, I am excited to introduce an all-new awards show honoring the best bumper stickers going down the road. It is fitting then that the very first Bumpie is for the Driving category. And the nominees are...

Honk if you love peace and quiet; If everything is coming your way, then you’re in the wrong lane; Don’t like my driving? Then get off the sidewalk; Horn broken, watch for finger; If you drink don’t park. Accidents cause people. And the first ever Bumpie goes to Hang up and Drive.

Our next category is The Battle of The Sexes. And the nominees are: This truck belongs to me. Everything else belongs to her; Not all women are fools. Some are single; A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle; Men are idiots and I married their king; Women who want to be equal to men lack ambition. And the winner is, Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let him (or her) sleep.

Judging by the plethora of bumper stickers about chainsaws and diesel engines it’s fitting we have a category for the environment. The nominees are: Hate the dams? Squeeze your oranges by hand; Beautify America. Shoot a greenie; Save the humans. Taking home the Bumpie is: Earth First. We’ll screw up the other planets later.

In the Idiots Shall Inherit The Earth Category, the nominees are: The gene pool could use a little chlorine; He who laughs last thinks slowest; Four out of three people have trouble with fractions; The lottery is a tax for people who are bad at math. The Bumpie in this category goes to I souport publik edukashun.

The NRA is sponsoring this lifetime achievement award for the best bumper sticker relating to guns. The nominees are: Keep honking. I’m reloading; I still miss my ex... but my aim is improving; Gun control isn’t about guns, it’s about control. And the Bumpie goes to... Cover me, I’m changing lanes.

The subject of children has always been a popular one amongst bumper sticker aficionados going all the way back to the Baby On Board placards. This year’s nominees for best bumper stickers about children are: Be nice to your kids, they’ll choose your rest home; Child in trunk; Insanity is hereditary... you get it from your kids. And the Bumpie goes to, Your kid may be an honor student but you’re still an idiot.

In the Life and Death category, the nominees are: We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse; I’m retired. I was tired yesterday and I’m tired again today; Work is for people who don’t know how to golf; Procrastinate later; Trust in God but lock your car; Goodbye tension hello pension; God grant me patience. And I want it now! And the Bumpie goes to, If at first you don’t succeed DO NOT try skydiving.

Things got pretty nasty in competition for the Most Politically Incorrect sticker such as: Nuke the gay unborn baby whales for peace; Eat Well, stay fit. Die anyway; I’m not an alcoholic, I’m a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings; Cat, the other white meat; Liberals want misery spread evenly; Jesus is coming. Look busy. It was a close race but the Bumpie goes to: Vegetables aren’t food. Vegetables are what food eats.

It’s true, we already covered driving but the subject of tailgating deserves its own Bumpie considering the number of bumper stickers that deal with it. For example: I don’t brake; I brake for no apparent reason; Caution! I brake for tailgaters. And the Bumpie goes to... If you can read this then you are in range.

The final Bumpie goes to the best bumper sticker seen in the last 12 months. Between talking on their phones, trying to figure what personalized plates mean and reading bumper stickers, today’s driver barely has time to drive. And because next year will be a mid term election year, there will be an avalanche of fresh bumper stickers. Voters are going to want to remove their outdated stickers if they haven’t already done so. My choice for the best all-around bumper sticker of the year is... What this country needs is a good five cent bumper sticker remover.