I don’t know about you but I’m getting sick and tired of getting junk emails from a Nigerian Prince with a convoluted get-rich-scam. The Prince says in broken English and misspelled words that all he needs is a little seed money and we’re both gonna get rich. Such emails have been floating around the internet for decades now and the process has become known as “phishing.” I used to think that no sane person would fall for such a scheme, but I actually know someone who fell for a similar scam and ended up losing $450,000! And this person was a lawyer and a local politician which makes me question the intelligence of our elected officials.

This Nigerian Prince must be filthy rich by now so I figured, who better to send my own phishing email? Here’s the email I wrote to the Prince that you might want to borrow:

Dear Beloved Friend Prince Badari Kumalo Surugala,

Please permit me of my desire to go into a business relationship with you. I’m writing to you because I know you are a trustworthy benefactor who has lots of money but no brains.

I am currently writing this email from the county jail with tears in my eyes and a heavy heart. I swear on my mother’s grave that I am being wrongly held against my will and can’t afford a good lawyer (if there is such a thing). I don’t know if I can stand too much more abuse before I will hang myself with my own shoelaces. We’re fed a mushy maggot-infested gruel once a day, forced to sleep on the concrete floor, they beat us incessantly and pipe rap music over the intercom 24 hours a day to drive us all crazy. I believe this violates the Geneva Convention as cruel and inhumane treatment. You, my dearest friend, are my last and only hope.

I know you will be curious as to how I got your name. A fellow inmate told me about you and said that you were so burdened with money that you use hundred dollar bills to light your cigars, your net worth is more than most African countries, and even your pedigreed pooch has its own mansion and chauffeur-driven Mercedes so he can chase cars anytime he wants to. Hearing how you acquired your wealth has inspired me and gave me the idea that you are a good man who might want to throw down a ladder to help a poor, wrongly accused person.

The local sherif arrested me for rustling cattle but I swear I am innocent. I urgently need $50,000 to pay my bond and legally break out of this prison. If you would please send $50,000 via a wire transfer to my account at the Secret Bank of Switzerland, account number (# redacted). I need this to happen immediately because once I am convicted of a crime, that I swear I did not commit, I will be locked up in a dungeon far worse than even my current abode. Paying my bond would allow me some time to gather up all my cattle, brand them and sell them to a cartel in Mexico who are looking for a backhaul for their drug smugglers and mules. I have dealt with these cartel members previously and found them to be reliable and reputable. I, like you, am not a greedy person and once the cattle are sold I’ll split the proceeds with you on a 50/50 basis. I figure your share easily will come to more than $250,000!

To wire your share of the proceeds I will need your bank name, account number, mother’s maiden name, name of your pet and your secret password.

I pray that I have chosen wisely in selecting Your Highness as a business partner to benefit from this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. May you be blessed as you extend your helping hand to a needy person who is in the same dire straits as you were many years ago.

Your humble servant, 

Lee Pitts (prisoner # redacted)

P.S. Please be advised that it could take some time before I’m able to send your share of the money because I have to let the brands scab over before I can sell the cattle.