Tips on giving a cowdog a bath There are two things in this world that were never meant to have a bath: pickup trucks and cowdogs.

We are talking real cowdogs here and not those fancy purse dogs that look like they were trimmed to look like a garden topiary. First a warning: although cowdogs can often be seen jumping into a water trough or windmill tank to cool off after a hard day’s work, we are talking here about something altogether different.

There are three phases to giving your dog a bath: the pre-bath phase, the actual bath and post-bath. Things you should do in the pre-bath phase include making sure you are all up to date on your tetanus shots and you should purchase the appropriate shampoo. Do not use any shampoo that smells like lavender, hyacinth, forest green, or citrus. Dogs hate this because when a fragrantly enhanced dog is around other dogs at a branding or a roping, a French perfume or cologne scent could call into question its sexual orientation. Also, it’s very important to use the right enclosure to wash your cowdog in. The only thing that works is a bathtub/ shower combination with sliding glass doors. Now you are ready for the actual wash cycle.

Catch your dog and carry it into the bathroom. The dog will immediately become suspicious because you’ve never allowed the cowdog in the house before. Pet and soothe the dog as you place it in the bathtub/ shower enclosure and quickly close the sliding doors so it cannot escape. Turn on the shower to get your dog wet and pay no attention to the deep scratches the dog is making in the glass doors in an attempt to escape. Next remove all your clothes in preparation to enter the tub as things are about to get real messy. The dog will go crazy never having seen a naked human body before, especially one as ugly as yours.

Enter the shower being very careful not to let the dog out. Next try to sneak out of the shower to get the shampoo that you failed to take with you the first time. Make sure you use an all-in-one shampoo/conditioner because you are only going to get one shot at this and you don’t want to have to apply a second coat.

Grab your dog as it bounces off the walls and apply the shampoo/conditioner being careful not to get the soap in your eyes. Don’t worry, the dog will self-agitate and make lots of muddy suds. Use a comb to get the snarls out of the dog’s coat as the dog snarls at you and exposes its teeth. Turn on the shower for a final rinse and yell at the wife to assume her position to be ready to catch the wet dog as you open the shower enclosure. Be advised the DOG WILL BE COMING OUT HOT as it ejects itself from its watery prison cell.

Of course, your wife will miss the handoff of the slippery dog, so it will then run through the house violently shaking itself in every room and coating the walls with muddy drips. At this point you can expect your clean dog to run through the screen door and proceed to roll in the nearest pile of horse manure or a cow pie. Now your dog will be dirtier than it was before its bath.

The last phase of washing your dog includes you staying in the shower to remove the scum from your body. Dry off daintily to avoid getting the dirt in the deep dog bites and apply tincture of iodine to all your scratches. It may be necessary at this point to go to the nearest emergency room to get stitched up. On your way home buy yourself a flea and tick collar for yourself because all the dog’s insect collection is now on your body. Avoid itching the numerous scratches and dress your cuts daily.

Next it’s very important to try and regain the trust of your loyal dog after all the trauma you subjected it to. At this point your dog is thinking, “Go round up the cows yourself you traitorous SOB.” This attitude could last six weeks or the rest of your cowdog’s life.

Next week: how to wash a pickup truck.