Like just about everything else in our society these days, our political machine is broken and our election process is in need of a complete overhaul. In the 2008 elections, $5.3 billion was spent on the presidential and Congressional races alone, and look at what we got for our money. Talk about buyer’s remorse!

The problem is there are no longer two distinct parties in this country. There is only one: The Money Party. The politicians only listen to cash, not their constituents. With this in mind, I propose that we do away with elections entirely and just sell the presidency and seats in Congress to the highest bidders at auction.

We could get rid of all the middlemen so that all the cash would go directly to the politicians without being laundered through lobbyists. Granted, we’d probably end up with the same corrupt leaders, but it would be more transparent this way. Perhaps they could even wear the jerseys or uniforms of their benefactors to remind all of us who own them.

If we sold Congressional seats like we sold cattle and had auctions instead of elections, your favorite TV shows wouldn’t get canceled because of lame debates and your phone wouldn’t ring off the hook from telemarketers soliciting your vote. Look at all the money we’d save on ethics panels!

The sale of the presidency and every Congressional seat would all be on the same day so that incumbents wouldn’t have to spend half the time we’re paying them for back home campaigning. They could stay in Washington full-time doing their jobs.

Okay, so maybe that’s not such a great idea.

Some might suggest that selling seats in Congress would be dishonest, but isn’t that what we do now? Besides, it’s more of a lease rather than a purchase, because alliances could change every four years depending on supply and demand.

Money talks, and I can hear the auctioneer now: “Welcome to the sale of the presidency and Congress. Watch your step; as you can see, we’re holding the sale at a sale barn because they’re used to cleaning up lots of manure.

“Today we’re proud to offer the most crooked and sleaziest candidates ever sold at public auction. Get out your checkbooks, because past leaders have sold for more than anywhere in the world and the sale of the last President brought the highest price ever.

“Our first lot is a Senate seat and our first politician is the incumbent who, for the past 36 years, has distinguished herself for her stupidity, arrogance, wealth and ineptness. She is a Democrat who attended Berkley, and obtained her law degree before joining the Peace Corps.

“Since then she has been a career politician, never having done an honest day’s work in her life. Her many repeat buyers include environmental groups, trade unions and the American Bar Association. We’re selling a full interest and past buyers agree that she has the highest integrity: Once you buy her, she’ll stay bought.
“Facing off against her is a blue-blooded Republican with many career politicians in his pedigree. He started off poor, with only $150 million, graduated from Harvard  and goofed off on Wall Street before joining the family law firm. The family quickly saw his lack of potential and suggested he run for public office where he might help the family business instead of harming it.

“We’re selling a full interest and a guarantee that the winning bidder will receive favorable legislation, kickbacks, government contracts, presidential pardons and a willing servant who will tirelessly promote your agenda.

“Let’s start the bidding at $2 million. Do I hear five? Yes, GM/Ford/Chrysler, you are in; who’ll give $10 million? Thank you Archer/Exxon/Monsanto. Might I remind the big bankers in attendance today, you aren’t going to acquire your very own lackey by sitting on your hands like you usually do?

“General Electric, are you bidding, or do you have an itch? You’d better be careful, or you could scratch your nose and end up with a Congressman in your pocket.”

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