Well, we made it. My wife and I reached one of my longtime goals when we recently celebrated our 50th wedding anniversary. I suppose I’m making too big a deal about this because a lot of people end up being married for 50 years, they just require three or four marriages to do it. As for me, I had beginner’s luck and didn’t need a practice wife.

We both took our wedding vows seriously and were mated for life just like sandhill cranes, coyotes, dik diks, (whatever they are), black vultures, bald eagles, and swans. Although it has been suggested in the smutty swan media that some male swan husbands, known as cobs, have been caught cheating on their female wives known as pens.

As a couple, my wife and I are like deer and kangaroo... if one jumps out in front of you on the road, you should slow down because there will invariably be another one. That’s us, where you get one you also get the other. We’re inseparable, although I can see where some over-eager men might get the wrong idea because my wife doesn’t wear her wedding ring. This is because she was a grocery store checker for 35 years and she was always getting it banged up, and with the work I’ve required her to do, such as feeding cows and lambing our flock, it could easily get lost inside a ewe or thrown out with the hay.

One idea that was floated as to how we should celebrate our golden anniversary was to go on a long cruise but everyone I know who has done so spent two weeks puking or pooping their guts out due to some COVID-type-illness they caught on board. Besides, I’ve always hated crowds and I’d rather swim with the sharks than be cooped up with 4,000 other people on one boat. Rest assured, if I’m gonna be on a boat for my anniversary it will be a fishing one that only holds two people.

I think jewelers must have started this whole “Golden Anniversary” thing based on the number of people who advised that I buy my lovely wife an expensive bauble, but I attribute our massive fortune to the fact that I haven’t been inside a jewelry store in 51 years. Besides, my wife doesn’t wear jewelry, and yes, she does have some, none of which I purchased. Another secret to our long marriage is that my wife has never asked for anything. She’s what we in the cow business would call “an easy keeper,” so you can see why I was immediately attracted to her.

One relative suggested that what we needed was a long road trip to see “new country” but I spent 40 years traveling 50,000 miles a year and I’ve already been in every state and seen all the sights. Besides, ever since my stroke I haven’t driven and Diane doesn’t relish the idea of being cooped up in a car with me telling her to “go slower, go faster, turn here, shouldn’t you be in the other lane?”

One person advised having a big barbecue and inviting all our friends and neighbors but we failed to see how spending so much of our own money would be that much fun.

Still another idea that was recommended was to buy a new electric car even though we love our old fossil-fuel burning car, and when I say old it’s not really that old, just 15 years or so. As a child of the oilfields, I guarantee that the first time you see me in some sort of an electrical conveyance it will be the electric winch that lowers my box into the hole.

So, I know you’re all dying to know how we did spend the BIG DAY. I bought Diane a card from the Dollar Store for fifty cents, took her out to lunch for Mexican food and told her she could order anything she wanted, within reason of course. Then I took a long nap.

Taking a cue from that real rich multi-billionaire who hired Rihanna (whoever she is) for $6 million to sing at his son’s wedding, I promised my wife that if we’re both around to celebrate our 75th wedding anniversary, I’d hire Willie Nelson to come sing.